There is a popular saying in social circles, “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
But let’s face it, we all crave social approval. Humans, as a species, have an innate desire to be recognised, complimented for their refined tastes and skills. They need to be admired for the choices they make and to be looked up to as someone who’s authoritative and capable enough to help others in their moments of uncertainty. Everyone wants to be the superhero of their peer group where people turn to them for advice — from job interviews and mild skin rashes to relationships and vacation plans.
Vacations, in fact, are a really big one, because it allows you to reinforce not only your considerable wealth but also your wisdom on destinations and microcosmic cultures. There is no platform better than holiday pictures to show just how much of a travelled global citizen you are. Trouble is, not all pictures are NatGeo front page material. There is a huge difference between you and the family posing in deep tribal Africa and a snapshot of the kids at Dubai malls. So, if you are after serious holiday cred, follow these simple steps.
Nonchalance
Learn to practise the art of being unperturbed. Nothing should ever give away excitement; only the blasé are privileged to have seen things more than once. But showing nonchalance in a picture is as tough as conveying sarcasm in a text. Simple way out, watch that smile, not entirely missing but nothing too wide. A beaming set of teeth is for bumpkins at county fairs. You need to look Indiana Jones cool in your pics, even if the leopard gnaws off your left leg on the safari.
Pre-Wiki
You don’t need to be Charles Darwin to feign knowledge. Or David Attenborough, or even know who he is. As long as your roaming plan allows you enough data to read the quick Wiki entry on wherever it is you’re headed to, make sure to include that little titbit in your ‘story’ (Insta, Facebook, and, I don’t know, does Microsoft Word have stories yet?) Drop it in casually, as if educating the masses is your burden to bear and yet it comes as naturally to you as preaching did to Jesus.
Cropping
The art of good photography is getting the lighting right. The art of great photography, however, is all about cropping. Ninja-level photo-cropping is when everyone knows your exotic destination but no one can tell whether you travelled coach or business.
Placement
Next, up your game by inserting subtle accoutrements. Business lounge check-ins are for the amateur, go subtler. A branded bag that ‘happened’ to be in the background, an ‘unintentional’ inclusion of the name of the Michelin eatery as appears on the coaster, casually tagging names of VIPs who invited you to their party, that’s grade-A game.
Family
The only thing standing between you and celeb-worship status of covet amongst friends is your family, so, ditch them. I don’t mean leave them stranded at the transfer terminal (although, there’s a novel idea!) but just don’t prize them too much in your posts. Sure put up their pictures, but like Animal Planet project’s puppies feeding, to be aww-ed but not deeply remembered. The online world is too fleeting and tight to have a multi-starrer holiday; so remember that if all the world is a stage, you better be playing the title role while relegating all others to supporting cast. The kids will hate you for a million reasons in life later, one more won’t hurt. Also, when you’re regaling people at the first post-holiday soirée, you’ll realise why it was all worth it.
Spouses
Before you consider me entirely cruel, allow me to add: sharing centre-stage with your spouse is fine, and possible. Even if at the same gathering, just divide up your crowd, s/he narrating in the salon while you lead your pack out onto the patio perhaps. Divide and conquer baby, that’s what all marriage vows should be!
Hashtags
The world is made up of two types: the shy hashtag-ers and those who can’t hashtag enough. Play to please both sets moderately.
If you go by these rules, you are assured an enriching holiday, one that is admittedly richer online than it really was, but then, once all events stand archived as mere memories, isn’t the virtual even better than the real thing?