REVIEW: Will I ever enjoy Heartbreak Island? Let me just borrow Ruby's book of facts for a moment: "That will never happen. Signed, Jack, every time he has to watch Heartbreak Island."

I'm finding it increasingly hard to find anything interesting to say about this show, so just to spice things up this week, I've written my recap in the Ottava Rima stanza style employed to great effect by Lord Byron in that other romantic epic, Don Juan. For this I can only apologise...

Samuel Richards/SUPPLIED

Surprisingly, "Heartbreak Harry" has found his way into one of the island's most successful romantic relationships.

HEARTBREAK ISLAND: CANTO I

I 
"Gennady's just a horrible person," said
bitter Lincoln, who she'd dumped for Tavita
on Monday night, when four Heartbreakers fled,
eliminated - this show just gets bleaker.
On Tuesday we watch as the ladies are fed.
The guys are the cooks, the girls are the eaters.
What a crack-up reversal of gender roles!
Guys, this programme is eating my soul.

READ MORE:
* Heartbreak Island: Boozy lap dances and a new TV villain
* Heartbreak Island: It's all about the money
* Heartbreak Island: 'Tavita threw away our friendship'

Samuel Richards/SUPPLIED

This week the girls were treated to a dégustation menu cooked by their partners.

II
After the meal Gennady causes some drama.
What was it about? Who knows! The show makes no
effort to explain what's caused such alarm, but
Josh loses it and calls Gen a liar. So
she cries to Ruby, Josh's grudging partner.
Josh wants to give their relationship a go,
but her "Book of Facts" says: "That will never happen".
If she has her way, Josh will be sent packing.

Samuel Richards/SUPPLIED

The contestants were very impressed with Malamala Beach club's infinity pool.

III
Love's in the air - the contestants were told that
they would need a strong bond to win the big fee.
Joshua wants to "stray" from Weiting, who bats
her eyelashes at newcomer Liam. He
says he has a "little feeling" for her, that's
"sitting in me gut making me feel gooey".
His partner Caitlin hates being ignored,
while Ruby wants Joshua for man number four.

Samuel Richards/SUPPLIED

Weiting was angry when Joshua ditched her for Ruby.

IV
The Passion Play holds not a single surprise.
Stacy and Shayna are the couple to beat.
Weiting is bitter that Joshua was prised
from her by Ruby. The setup is complete
for more "dramalamala" - but my poor eyes
can't take much more of this show, this giant dung heap,
that somehow keeps coming back - like a venereal rash.
Guys, Heartbreak Island is genuine trash.

 - Stuff