TO TRAFALGAR SQUARE!
Now that England have established themselves as the set-piece kings of the Ethics World Cup, it’s time to pay tribute to the visionary who made it possible. No, not Gareth Southgate. Not everything’s about Gareth, with his little waistcoat, gammy shoulder and ability to spark a reasoned 72-hour debate about a teamsheet between the Hack Pack and The Rest Of The Universe. The Fiver appreciates he’s doing a good job, but we don’t want to give him too much credit in case his head explodes from all the praise. Instead let’s turn our attention to Sam Allardyce, whose influence on England remains strong judging by their demolition of Panama, who were made to look like Arsenal trying to defend a Bolton corner in the early noughties. Hooray for Big Sam! It seems those two seconds of Allardycian coaching in 2016 really paid off! Hats off to the FA suits! They knew what they were doing all along.
After all, just look at England go. Two games played, eight goals scored and their place in the round of 16 already in the bag. The Fiver is trying very hard not to get carried away, even if it’s yet to see a team that wouldn’t be crushed by Gareth’s heroes, other than Belgium, Brazil, Colombia, Croatia, France, Germany, Mexico, Senegal, Spain and Him. It’s ignored all calls from $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who’s already set up camp in Trafalgar Square in preparation for the celebrations on 16 July, and we’re telling anyone who’ll listen that it was only Panama, a team with even less respect for personal space than Weird Uncle Fiver and a defence as convincing as Jason Victor Cundy’s views on female commentators (how dare women have voices!). To think the minnows made it to Russia ahead of USA! USA!! USA!!! What a shower of clowns. Tougher tests lie in wait, starting with Belgium on Thursday.
Those Belgians do look pretty handy and it won’t be easy for England to win Group G at the expense of Bobby M’s freewheeling side, who cruised through after crushing Tunisia. Eden Hazard is in splendid form and Romelu Lukaku is finishing with the aplomb of John Stones. Eek! But there’s an added dimension to the Belgium game, with both teams wondering whether it would be better to finish second in order to avoid playing Brazil or Germany in the last eight. Bob’s thinking about resting his best players, while Lukaku is a doubt with ankle-knack, and there’s an argument for Steve Holland to walk around England’s next open training session holding a sheet of paper including names like Hart, PO’JT, Wilshere and Morris Dancing Fiver. But giving up momentum so freely doesn’t really fit with the fresh and fearless spirit of New England. Even if they probably still have it in them to outwit anyone in an ineptitude competition.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I am a footballer at the highest level so I have to accept that I am criticised for what I do on the pitch. But there are limits. When someone threatens me, when they call me darkie, bloody Arab, terrorist, Taliban … then that limit has been passed. And what is even worse, when they go after my family and my children and threaten them … who the hell does that kind of thing? I am Swedish and I am proud to represent the Swedish national team. I will never let any racists destroy my pride. We all have to make a stand against racism. [Eff] racism” – Jimmy Durmaz delivers a powerful message along with his Sweden colleagues after being targeted on assorted social media disgraces for conceding the free-kick that led to Germany’s 95th-minute winner on Saturday.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“If, as is now expected, Germany scrape through and Brazil win their group, on paper at least, the easier potential route to the semi-finals is likely to be awarded to the team finishing second in Group G, not the group winners. This reminds me of that Caribbean Cup match where both sides wanted to score own goals. My only hope is that Belgium and England decide to play like that for the entire 90 minutes – it could be the most entertaining World Cup game ever played” – Graham Haslam.
“Another foray into Big Website has revealed this interesting piece on a new dance craze called bucking. We are told that it is restricted to Atlanta in USA! USA!! USA!!! Really? Don’t your serious journalists ever read the sports pages? Take a bow Fakhreddine Ben Youssef” – Robert Darby.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Robert Darby. Prizes from tomorrow!
BITS AND BOBS
Robert Lewandowski will be joining his squad aboard Polish Airways flight DO1 after being dumped out by Colombia. “I was alone, we fought, I fought, I did everything I could,” he sighed, pointing his big finger o’blame in various directions.
Egypt insist Mo Salah is still a happy camper, despite reports claiming he has a raging funk on after being used as a political symbol in meeting Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov. “Mo is still with us now and is happy,” blathered a suit.
Iran supporters spent the early hours in Saransk giving it plenty in an attempt to stop His Portugal from getting any sleep. “I love [Him], I love Portugal, but this is a big game. We have to do all it takes,” honked giddy fan Mehdi Fayez.
Fifa enforcers have opened disciplinary proceedings against Switzerland’s Granit Xhaka and Xherdan Shaqiri for these celebrations in the 2-1 win over Serbia.
And Sweden boss Janne Andersson’s lid was rattling wildly after Germany staff got all up in his grillö after Toni Kroos’s winner. “Some of the group leaders of their team celebrated by running in our direction, rubbing it into our faces by making gestures,” he sizzled.
STILL WANT MORE?
What happens when you cross a lifelong penchant for cartography, a love of football and expertise in photorealistic portraiture? Well, you get this loveliness.
Ten talking points from the second round of group games, including Peruvian partying, a Barney Ronay change of heart on VAR and more.
Paul Doyle is bigger than The Fiver, so when he tells us this is the team of the World Cup so far, we’re inclined to believe him.
David Hytner on how Mikel John Obi is aiming to turn the tables on Lionel Messi.
Eden Hazard is a constant threat but their wing-backs let you in. Stuart James gets tactical before England 45-45 Belgium.
Iran’s female fans are resisting harassment to attend the crunch clash with Spain.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! How much do you know about World Cup hat-tricks? Find out.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!