Name: Donug.

Age: Very new.

Appearance: Deceptive.

You poor thing! How long have you had this terrible cold? Why do you think I’ve got a cold?

There can surely be no other reason you are producing a sound like “donug”. You are bravely trying to articulate the word “doughnut” through an intimidatingly thick mucosal barrier, no? No.

Oh. Why are you saying “donug”, then? Assuming you have attained the age of reason and are not a toddler pointing at random objects and naming them for your own private satisfaction? It’s a new food.

Oh God. It’s a hybrid, isn’t it? Yes! A brave new portmanteau word for a brave new portmanteau victual.

It’s a doughtnut-and-something. I’ve got that much. It sounds as though it must be a doughnut and … But no, that can’t be right … It simply can’t be right … Nugget? Blimey, are you a trained etymologist? Yes – nugget!

As in chicken nugget? Right again!

It’s a sweet, deep-fried dough stuffed with chicken? No.

I feel relief is probably premature. It’s a chicken nugget in the shape of a doughnut. No actual dough involved.

Then it should be called a ringget. A nugging. A – a – ringnug. No, none of these work. They really don’t.

What the hell is it, then, if it doesn’t involve dough? It’s chicken, in a ring shape, coated in cornflakes and panko crumbs, plus a secret blend of flour and spices, deep-fried and served with a choice of three sauces.

Which – I ask with all due sense of dread – are? Japanese curry sauce, cheesy dijon bechamel or hot chilli and black salt.

Ble-to-the-urgh. If you choose the curry one, you get mozzarella, too.

Who has created this abomination against God, man and patisserie? That’s very negative. Couldn’t you try to think of it as a developmental leap in nugget history?

Who. Was. It? A Scotsman called Crag Carrick.

Do his parents know what he’s done? I don’t know.

Send him away! He lives in Australia.

So the donug is only polluting the Antipodean reaches? So far. But he has just secured investment in his business that he hopes will allow him to take his hybrid global.

Will Brexit stop it landing on our shores? I will become the greatest leaver in the kingdom if Brexit will stop the donug reaching our shores. All things are possible in this, the best and worst of all possible worlds.

Do say: May I have a nibble, with my open mind and low cholesterol score?

Don’t say: Get thee behind me, MephisSatanelzebub and your devilfiend sauces!