Brace e’selves, ’Darkers! For everything is to change! For while Nampara and its surroundings may be bathed in dappled sunlight, a gloomy shadow do loom over Ross and Demelza now that he has sold his soul, become a politician and moved to the ends of the earth (ie London). This was the result of an extraordinary contest modern political parties could only dream of, one where you seemed to require a total of nine votes to become an MP. (Sign me up now for several constituencies!) Ross thinks he is a force for good who will fight for the poor and abolish slavery. We shall see about that.
After the exposition and back story of last week’s outing, this was quite the eventful episode, setting things up nicely – and pleasingly precariously – for the rest of the series. The terrifying pirate man who once led Ross on an ill-advised sortie to France set up a wrestling match. Or, as far as Tom “Giant Haystacks” Harry seemed to think, an eye-gouging contest. The main point of this match was (a) to raise funds for the local hospital (thanks, Evil George!), (b) to bring in a love interest for Sam “But I mostly love God” Carne and (c) to provide a rehearsal match with Ross that would lead to a “let me tend to your wounds” bare-chest bathing scene. All worthy aims in life, I think we can agree.
Viewers needed a strong stomach for the fight scenes, but an even more robust constitution to handle the prognosis of Dr Death, who had abandoned his laboratory of doom to attend to Armitage. “We will proceed first with blistering and thereafter with purging, vomiting, poulticing and bleeding.” Ye gads. I never was a fan of Armitage but I wouldn’t wish this kind of bedside manner on my worst enemy. Apart from Evil George, of course. If only someone would cover his substantial up-thrusting chin in some thirsty leeches.
Thankfully, good sense prevailed. And, despite the intervention of Dr Enys’s benign powders, ding dong, the boring poet is dead. I’m sorry to dance on Armitage’s grave. But here was a man who had been bled, flogged, virtually lobotomised while conscious and left with a body resembling a pepperoni pizza, but he still had time to write yet another terrible poem. “It was no small treasure to have once possessed you, body and soul.” Now, the hypochondriac scribbler has gone to the great library in the sky. Cue dramatic grief scenes between Ross and Demelza where she tried to convince her husband that she was really weeping not so much for her pathetic fancy man, but for the loss of her daughter, Julia, and “all that’s broken and lost and wasted in this world”. Yeah, right.
It was a great joy to witness signs of Sindy doll’s irreverent approach to motherhood. Radiant in deep violet, she proudly announced: “I cannot bear babies. Wrinkled, red-faced, greedy little tyrants.” Sensible woman! And, yes indeed, who wants to be “ambushed by possets”? The scenes with Sindy doll and Demelza wrapping the lordly electoral types around their little fingers were delightful – “More brandy, gentlemen?” – although I did have a terrible flashback to that party Demelza went to when she got off with that one with the dodgy whiskers and the even dodgier Scottish accent.
In other news, the greasy vicar was back where he belongs: licking a tart’s toes. Morwenna’s canny sister made a tantalising reappearance. And Ross won the election against Evil George, even though his proposer gave the worst party political broadcast in the history of the world. “New to governance. But known to all as a brave and distinguished soldier.” Was he trying to fit it into 140 characters? No matter. Ross wins. “Why, when you have the pick of the county to choose from … choose me?” blubbed our hero. Oh, Ross, you know anyone would choose you in pretty much any circumstances.
Pewter tankard award for bonkers brilliance as supporting actor
The pewter tankard goes this week to a man who is himself in fact never seen far away from a pewter tankard: Tom Harry. Evil George’s gamekeeper and henchman is played by Turlough Convery, who handles this part with a wonderful gruff humour. All credit to Convery, especially for his fine angry spitting and disturbingly realistic belching. This week, Evil George seemed to sack Tom, much to Elizabeth’s delight, doubtless to set up a revenge narrative for later in the series. “We thank you for that service and from now on we no longer require it.” Come on, Tom ‘Arry, if anyone can do away with Evil George in the night, it’s you.
Classic Poldark lines
“Is it true that swans mate for life?” “I believe so. Or at least until a more handsome swan appears.” Of the several lines of “we both know we are talking about Armitage” code that passed between Ross and Dwight, this was the best.
“Demelza, I must ask you. Are you afraid of what we agreed today?” “More than afraid. Yet I know it must be so.” “Do not fear it. George will win. And I will stay. And Hugh will live.” None of these things came true! None of them! George did not win! And Hugh is dead!
“If you came to our meetings, we could pray together.” Oh dear. I seem to have developed a sudden interest in Methodist prayer gatherings.
“I wanted to tell ‘e … A man’s never had me.” A likely tale from virtually any female character in this programme.
Regulation reverse-sexism bare chest moment
Clearly the instructions from Aidan Turner’s agent (“Nothing below the nipple”) prevailed in this episode, resulting in a two-second bare-shoulder bathing scene concluded by the immortal line: “Sometimes they come at me, unannounced.” There was also some wrestling in hessian shirts. (“Stay rooted!”)
To be fair, Armitage’s chest featured copiously throughout. But that is not to be counted because it was covered in disgusting red welts from the medieval cupping procedure. (For anyone who doesn’t know what this is: it involves creating a vacuum over the skin, usually using glass cups, to treat respiratory conditions.)
Next week
More foot fetishism for the pig’s-tail-buttocked vicar as Morwenna’s sister cons him out of the only income he has not already spent on pedicures for prostitutes. Ross falls prey to the charms of the city. Dr Enys attends a home birth close to home. And Demelza becomes estranged from her husband. Again.