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"Improving useless partners is one of those things, like rib tattoos and turmeric lattes, that is all the rage among women under 30," writes Verity Johnson.

OPINION: "Don't buy doer-uppers," I told the audience. "I don't mean houses, I mean boyfriends."

A lot of them laughed, quite a few rolled their eyes and one girl in a cap in the front row folded her arms ready for a fight. That's exactly what I'd have done when I was 18, at a young women's leadership festival and listening to an "expert" answer the question: "What would you say to your 18-year-old self?"

I'm serious, though. I wish I'd been told at 18 how much time I was going to waste dating raging idiots. And not just dating them, but taking them on as bizarre, DIY projects where I attempted to improve, manage and transform them from hapless sloth to functioning human.

It also would have been great to know it wasn't just me who did this. Improving useless partners is one of those things, like rib tattoos and turmeric lattes, that is all the rage among women under 30.

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As someone who's been there, done it repeatedly, and got the scars to prove it, it's frightening how many other young women I've seen do it. You've probably seen it too: parents always ask me why smart women like their 21-year-daughter is dating such a dropkick. And I can't count the number of young women's leadership events I've been to where a wise owl has told us that their No 1 tip for success is "choose your partner carefully".

There are two things going on here. First is the recurring question of why young women choose partners who are so clearly less talented/interesting/motivated than they are.

Well, perhaps my experience will give you an insight.

I kept getting into these unequal relationships because I wasn't very discerning. I felt I didn't have that luxury. Growing up, it was drummed into me by society that, while I also needed a career, my worth as a woman still rested on my ability to find and keep a partner. So I was desperate to prove I could do that. However, by 18 I'd still never had a kiss, never mind so much as a boyfriend, and whenever I'd ask someone why I was still single I was told: "You're too smart, you intimidate men."

verity johnson

Verity Johnson: "I wish I'd been told at 18 how much time I was going to waste dating raging idiots."

So you can understand how, when the first one shuffled my way at a drunken university party, I leapt at them. I needed a man, any man, to prove I wasn't a failed woman who'd die alone and be eaten by Mrs Next-Door's pet ferret. I think a lot of women share that need for validation – and it drives us to do crazy things.

It's not a uniquely female problem. I know men who tie being in a relationship to their self-worth. But there's an especially nasty aura of shame around being that single woman.

But the second part of the equation, the DIY boyfriend project, certainly is a female hobby.

I've seen it time and again when bright, ambitious young women divert so much energy into organising their boyfriends. We take on the responsibility of mumager – part-mother, part-manager and all-round fixer-upper – doing everything from our partner's whites to helping them get a job.

This makes it sound as though we young women have it all sorted out and the dudes have all the independence and intelligence of gummybears. It's not supposed to. (Although there is still a lot to be done in teaching men how to do chores.)

Both women and men in their 20s are equally confused about life. We girls just seem to deal with it by managing our boyfriends.

When I was playing the mumager role, I knew I was diverting huge amounts of effort into developing him. It left me with no time or mental space to develop myself. And that's ultimately what I wanted, because I was terrified of thinking about my future. I had no idea how to be a success. No idea how to have goals. No idea how to fulfil that mysterious "potential".

The vast, overwhelming mess of my future stretched out before me. So instead of focusing on how to attack it, I focused my energies on his sock drawer.

That's not to mention a whole other lot of powerful external forces that push us into mumagers. Women are still raised and trained by society to nurture people and, if you don't, then you're a bad woman. And it's very easy to do something you're well practised at, rather than tackle something unknown like your future. Or the unfortunate fact that there are a lot of neanderthal men out there who expect their girlfriends to soothe, support and manage them. Then chuck in the ever-present fear of being alone and human desire to be helpful …

It took me a long, long time (and two major breakdowns) to realise how damaging it is to approach your relationships this way. There is nothing more soul-eroding than continually running from your own dreams by renovating someone else's.

 - Stuff