Heartbreak Island: Is this a new nadir for reality television?
One Heartbreak Island contestant had a few too many cocktails.
REVIEW: I think I have seen it. The end. The collapse of civilisation. When everything we hold dear comes crashing down around us.
On Tuesday night I gazed into the gaping maw. It was toned and tanned and well-groomed. It smeared sunscreen over its bulging biceps, its butt, its flawless skin. It sipped cocktails by teal tropical water. It was Heartbreak Island.
This show is genuine trash. A new nadir for television in this country. If you thought it couldn't get worse than Married at First Sight - well, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I have the unhappy task of recapping what happened on Tuesday night's episode. It feels a bit like pulling off a scab. The thing is, nothing really happened.
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16 attractive and extremely confident young New Zealanders are stranded on a resort island together. They have been paired up based on basically their Tinder bios. Some of the attractive and extremely confident young New Zealanders are think their match is attractive and some of them think their match is not attractive.
Heartbreak Island is a new nadir for New Zealand television.
They go out to a floating bar and get drunk. One of the attractive and extremely confident young New Zealanders has a spew. Some of the attractive and extremely confident young New Zealanders flirt with each other.
The next day there is a bizarre ritual where most of the attractive and extremely confident young New Zealanders choose new partners. One of them is upset. The show ends.
Imagine this, but stretched out over an hour, with ad breaks, spiced up by graphics and sound effects that are deliberately low-quality and goofy, but not quite low-quality and goofy enough to be convincing in the sense of not feeling like a grown adult trying to do a meme.
Heartbreak Island is like the love-child of every reality show. It's like Survivor in that the contestants are on an island, they compete in challenges, and it's basically a popularity contest. It's like Married at First Sight in the way the participants are paired up. It's like Big Brother in that there are cameras in every room. It's like Jersey Shore in that it's about muscly young people getting drunk and shagging.
But man, is it bleak. The "characters" the contestants are shoehorned into are two-dimensional and dislikeable. There is a storyline only in the loosest sense of the word. Hosts Mark Dye and Matilda Rice deliver their lines with no indication they're aware of what a ridiculous situation they're in.
This image is from the "Passion Play", a pretty bizarre ritual where the couples ditch their partner for someone else.
You can debate the show's morality and its quality all you like, though - you wouldn't even turn it on if you wanted quality TV. The sole aim of reality TV is to entertain, and to entertain at all costs. And here, I'm sorry to say, Heartbreak Island succeeds.
Watching Heartbreak Island is not unlike when you walk past a dead animal on the road, and despite knowing it's a terrible idea, you check to see if the guts are spilling out. It appeals to some deep, reptilian part of the brain. The same part, probably, as booze and sex - not coincidentally, the show's two most important elements.
Seriously, how are we supposed to tell these people apart?!
While Heartbreak Island might be entertaining while you're watching it, I'm not sure you could claim it's the kind of entertainment that ultimately improves your life. I was not bored watching Heartbreak Island, but when it ended I felt completely empty - and a little bit disgusted with myself.
Just about every new reality show meets with criticism like this, and just about every new reality show goes on to find success. So I'm aware this isn't exactly a hot take, but still I've got to ask: has reality TV gone too far?
- Stuff
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