NEXT STOP: RUSSIA
Some dates in human history will never be forgotten, and 12 June 2018 looks set to join the list. Yup, it’s the day England flew out to Russia for the Ethics World Cup. What a time to be alive! The inanity is unavoidable – this is the World Cup – but in defence of this very likable England side and a more realistic media, there is none of the preposterous hubris of, say, 12 years ago. Back then, England’s arrival in Germany was such a grandiloquent 0rgy of self-congratulation that it felt unnecessary to stage an actual tournament to confirm the bleedin’ obvious: congratulations to England, arise Sir Sven.
The Fiver admires Gareth Southgate, largely because he’s everything we’re not: mature, eloquent, decent and with the ability to grow a beard. He has pitched England as intrepid optimists who will do their best to entertain. “We ask people to pay a lot of money to watch football,” said Southgate, a veiled dig at that £3.50 increase in the cost of a TV licence. “In the end, we want to entertain where we possibly can. We hope we can send people to work the following day having enjoyed our matches. We know we are not the finished article, in fact we’re a long way from it, but I think people see signs of progress and enjoy watching us and the manner in which we try to play. We are seeing a team that is enjoying each other’s company, getting on well and is very proud to represent the nation.”
England, as you’ll know if you have ingested your World Cup wallchart, start their tournament against Tunisia on Monday. They play Panama in their second group game and finish against Belgium, and heaven help everyone if they need a result from that game to qualify. Belgium, the dark horses who aren’t actually dark horses, continued their warm-up by tonking Costa Rica 4-1. Headlines of “HAZARD LIMPS OFF” were followed by a less exciting small print: “Hazard had nothing more serious than a dead leg and will be fine to haunt Phil Jones’s dreams for the next week or two.” “It’s nothing to worry about,” cooed Belgium manager Bobby M, showing a disappointing ignorance of how journalism works. “I really enjoyed his performance. He was sharp and strong, he was majestic.”
In lieu of any human friends, we asked Alexa if the digital world was to blame for all this clickbait. “Fiver, my friend, I’ve told you before,” she said. “If you don’t shut your luddite mouth this instant, Mrs Fiver will receive a printout of your private browsing history in the post tomorrow morning.” Thankfully, one thing is not for changing: we are now two sleeps away from the World Cup, and if that doesn’t merit rare use of a second exclamation mark then we don’t know what does!! Never mind world peace and all that grown-up guff; 14 June 2018 is the date The Fiver will remember.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I actually dreamt that we’ll play in the final against Russia. I am going to attend the first match with Senegal at Spartak stadium. Then I fly to Kazan … then to Volgograd” – 78-year-old Bobo Bobowski, known as “The King” of Polish fans, gets ready to attend his 11th World Cup. Eleventh!
ETHICS WORLD CUP GUIDE
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s Football Chrisssssssssssstmaaaaaasssssss! Here’s David Squires.
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FIVEЯ LETTERS
“I’m 47 years old and I spotted the Dua Lipa reference in yesterday’s World Cup FiveЯ. Do I win a prize?” – David Madden.
“One, don’t knee them in the back, you know you’ll only end up taking all the flak. Two, don’t elbow him, you’ll get yourself kicked out again. Three, don’t slide in friend, you know you’re gonna wake up feeling bad in the morning. And if you dive over him, you ain’t getting nought from him. Apologies to Dua Lipa” – Phil West.
“In reference to Bill Jacobson’s somewhat haughty request (yesterday’s World Cup FiveЯ letters), the puerility is the only thing that keeps me here. Please don’t lose it. Oh and Vova is a common short name for Vladimir, dropping that in might offer some appeasement to William, I assume” – Peter (you can call me Vlad) Moore.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Phil West.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Egypt will give Mo Salah until the last minute to prove that his shoulder won’t crumble into a million bits when they open against Uruguay. “Maybe he could start on the bench, but a final decision has not been made yet,” soothed team doctor, Mohamed Abouelela.
Corruption-knack means Fifa bods will scoop up only $1.45bn in advertising revenue for Ethics 2018, compared to $1.62bn in 2014. Po’ Fifa.
A campaign has been launched to try to replace “over-sexualised and non-representative” images of female fans in search engines before the World Cup kicks off. “We’re excited to work on the We Are Female Fans campaign to affect tangible and visible change,” cheered photographer Amy Drucquer, who is backing the initiative.
Iceland’s departure to Russia was held up after manager Heimir Hallgrímsson sent his luggage to the small fishing town of Akranes instead of Reykjavík airport. “I was trying to help things along, but put my bag on the wrong bus,” he fessed-up. “This is our one mistake for the trip and at least the kit man got a good laugh out of it.”
Lionel Messi may quit Argentina after the finals if hacks do his head in again. “I don’t know. It will depend how we do, how it ends,” he sighed. “The fact we’ve lost three finals now has led to some complicated moments with the Argentinian press due to the differences in seeing what it means to reach a final.”
And, in other news, the Milk Cup draw will take place on Friday in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. Obviously.
STILL WANT MORE?
“This should be the start of something” – Panama legend Julio Dely Valdés gets his chat on with Sid Lowe.
More Bobby M! This time in conversation with Donald McRae.
Piotr Zielinski: the Polish Kevin De Bruyne? Tomasz Wlodarczyk on Poland’s big hope in Russia. And get everything you need to know about Poland’s tactics and key players.
Floating brain-in-a-jar Jonathan Wilson on Mexico coach Juan Carlos Osorio and his ladder (literally and figuratively) to the top.
What if Sam Allardyce had kept the England job? Jacob Steinberg has a sliding doors moment.
Suzanne Wrack on the next World Cup for England.
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