Heartbreak Island: Your 5 week break from reality awaits you
TVNZ Heartbreak Island promo.
OPINION: Feeling down? Winter blues hitting you hard? Getting pummeled by social media/the news/a creeping sense of existential dread?
You need a break. No, you deserve a break... from reality, that is! You need TVNZ's Heartbreak Island.
Put away your cheque book, unpack your carry-on bag, and check your sense of basic decency at the door. Your next holiday from higher brain function is only one remote control click away.
Joshua Fankhauser wants you to chill out and watch Heartbreak Island. Probably.
Heartbreak Island*, where all your dreams and fantasies come true... for someone infinitely better-looking and more self-absorbed than you! Heartbreak Island* where you too can embrace the delusion that escape from the rubbish-tip fire that is your life awaits on a Pacific island – not this Pacific island, another one, somewhere you're not!
READ MORE:
* Heartbreak Island: How do you actually win TV's most complicated dating show?
* Heartbreak Island: Matilda Rice and Mark Dye front new Survivor-like reality series
* First look at Matilda Rice as host of Heartbreak Island
* Inside TVNZ's sexed-up new reality show Heartbreak Island
It's winter. You'll never own a home. A latte costs $6. You need Heartbreak Island*. You need it. Heartbreak Island*!
A guy you sort of recognise and Matilda Rice front TVNZ's Heartbreak Island.
Your fun holiday comes fully seasoned with the tears of beautiful people, and starts when you choose to waste between one to four hours a week – one of which could be X-Rated – watching other people living the kind of moral and principle-free life you'd never dare, in a place you probably can't afford to visit, with people you don't even like that much.
That's right: just one to four of the scant hours you get on this earth. Think of it this way: that's four hours a week you'll never have to live through again. Bonus!
Join life-winner Matilda Rice, a woman so adorable she makes paleo seem worthwhile, and a bloke you kind of recognise, but you're not sure where from, as they spread a thin veneer of respectability over the prime-time equivalent of soft-core porn.
Good looking folks only on Heartbreak Island.
With Heartbreak Island*, you too can help nail the coffin lid down on the women's movement, and mock men for crying about their feelings while you're at it! That's right, this deal is a 2-4-1!
Let 16 impossibly healthy, good-looking and moral-free young people live out your deepest, darkest fears of social inadequacy and rejection, in front of the entire nation, for money... so you don't have to!
You'll swoon, as the depraved depths of human nature are exposed in all their trashy glory, and the last shreds of human decency are used to like a teenager uses a box of Kleenex.
Izaak Ryan is heading to Heartbreak Island, are you?
Stroke eggplants suggestively with Weiting and Ruby! Waste whole bottles of champagne, also suggestively, with Harry and Julius. Pretend you're not just watching for "accidental" shots of buff bikini bums and the hysterical sobbing of people who should totally know better, with Tiffany and Izaak. The fun never stops.
You thought you left ill-advised romantic entanglements and dicking your mates over behind their backs at high school? Think again.
Now, you can relive that time you told Tracey that Scott had felt you up at the Blue Light disco even though he arrived with her, four nights a week.
Former star of The Bachelor, Matilda Rice has taken a job hosting TVNZ's Heartbreak Island.
That time you pashed Vivian so Tony would fancy you, but he ended up with Vivian because she's a thieving b...., and you ended up spewing in a rubbish bin while Vicky held you hair back? You can have those golden moments again, in the comfort of your own living room without having to squeeze yourself into a pair of skinny jeans.
The fun and self-degradation never has to stop because HEARTBREAK ISLAND*!
Don't delay. Book your chance to revel in the suffering of people you don't know and care about even less today. You're worth it.
Is Weiting Shyu looking for love, or money? Take your pick!
(*Totally different and in no way similar to Love Island. Like at all, in any way. If it is like Love Island at all, which is totally isn't, it's like a Double Dare version of Love Island because it's got "physical challenges". Love Island doesn't have anything nearly as cool as that.)
Heartbreak Island airs on TVNZ 2 on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights . Heartbreak Island Uncut - which may contain x-rated material - airs on TVNZ 2 on Friday nights at 9.30pm.
How could there not be tears on a show called Heartbreak Island?
The Heartbreak Island cast. Don't they look like a lovely, wholesome, happy group of young people?
Heartbreak island hosts Matilda Rice and... that guy!
- Stuff
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