My name is unimportant as is my job. It’s in a dusty department of a less important ministry. I rename things — streets, parks, airports. It can be boring. The Nehru Gandhi sycophants wanted to name everything Rahul this and Indira that. I once counted 28 tournaments, 15 sanctuaries and 39 hospitals named after them.
The new regime wants a different legacy.
“Do you know acronyms?” asked my boss one day.
“You mean like NASA, DDLJ, CBI?”
“Good,” said my boss. “You are now Additional Secretary Acronym Provider or ASAP.”
I like word games. I do the Jumble in the newspaper daily. Also the crossword, though only the easy one. But this was a whole new kettle of fish.
The big leader, it turns out, really loves his acronyms. If he could deliver an entire speech in acronyms, he would. He wanted an acronym a day every day. It started simple with ABCD. Aadarsh, Bofors, Coalblock, Damaad. I admit I was quite pleased with that one. When I heard him say it in a speech, I told my wife, “That’s my work in action.”
Good, bad and ugly
There were some good ones, even if I say so myself. RSVP was genius. SCAM was not too shabby. Some did make me cringe. Was KASAB (Congress, Samajawai, Bahujan) entirely necessary?
But soon the acronym pressure started ratcheting up. Every day the goal was set higher. I dreaded the morning meeting. The other day my boss said the word of the day is SPORT. But that was not as bad as INCH towards MILES. I don’t even remember what we came up with there. I don’t think anyone does. The acronym is not meant to convey anything any more. We have become like an uncle who insists on showing card tricks at every party. VIKAS SWAYAM SMART everything is acronym fodder. And as ASAP, I am getting migraines. It’s no longer fun. Nor funny.
I have started having nightmares that the country is being taken over by Star Wars robots with names like P2G2 and 3AKS. My wife says it’s like being bombarded by discarded titles from lost KJO films.
Now things are getting worse. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. At one time when the small fry wanted to curry favour with the big neta, they would bring giant marigold garlands. These days acronyms are the new garlands. That’s the way to the big leader’s heart. Chalo, at least it’s more eco-friendly than cut flowers.
I almost quit
But imagine my plight. We are getting requests from all kinds of politicians for acronyms to impress the big leader. One neta wanted an inspiring acronym for FUNday. We said Forgive others, Untie yourself, No Negativity. A bit Hallmarkish perhaps but what to do. There’s a heavy demand for acronyms with the big leader’s name. Politicians want to offer him his own name as an acronym just like a monogrammed suit. Then one day a neta said can you make an acronym out of A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. I almost quit. We had to work an extra shift to churn that one out. Anything is Possible with Just Attitude and Karma.
Now the opposition has got into the game. I came up with Good and Simple Tax for GST. At 2 a.m. my phone rang. The boss was apoplectic. Gabbar Singh Tax was trending on Twitter. “Do something,” he shouted. “Your Good and Simple Tax is being buried.”
In hot alphabet soup
What is the point of this alphabet soup, asks my wife. She is afraid the acronyms will show up as questions in the competitive exams our son is preparing for. I tell her the acronyms make us feel modern and professional. It’s like we took an MBA course and now we all live inside a smart Powerpoint presentation. Acronyms are like colourful sprinkles on the cake of Acche Din being cooked up by brand consultants and PR whiz kids. They create the illusion of acche taste.
Instead of toilets or petrol prices or literacy, the acronym is now the milestone, the real deliverable. The other day my boss said elections are coming. We must be ready with SWACHH BHARAT and ACCHE DIN as the new acronyms. We must write copy that fits what the government has done. But what had the government promised to do, I asked. The reality must fit the acronym, idiot, my boss snapped, not the other way around.
I was humiliated. I am not an important man but I too have artistic standards. Next day the big leader’s office said there was an important meeting with the Chinese. The big leader wanted STRENGTH. I quietly wrote Spirituality, Tradition, Trade and Technology, Relationship, Entertainment, Art, Nature and Health Sector. Then I went home, turned on the TV and waited to see what would happen. For a moment I felt like a revolutionary, like BS, Bhagat Singh I mean.