Mum losing hope of hearing from teen who skipped the country with her former teacher

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A worried mum is struggling to stay positive after her teen daughter ran away with her former primary school teacher.

A worried mum whose daughter skipped the country with her former primary school teacher says she is losing hope of ever learning where the pair are, as she struggles to get to grips with the relationship.

The mum has barely heard from her 19-year-old daughter in the past year and says even the young woman's friends don't know where she and her ex teacher, who is four decades older, are.

"Everyone keeps telling me to keep my hopes up, but I'm really not too sure," the mother said.

Adult children refusing to speak with their parents is more common than many realise, according to an expert, who warns that parents often feel responsible for the situation.

In July last year, the mother learned her then-18-year-old daughter had started a relationship with a man in his 50s, who was the daughter's teacher in primary school.

The relationship is not illegal, because the teen is over 16, the age of consent. However, the family felt it was inappropriate and were shocked the man was still teaching after the relationship began.

The mum made a complaint to the man's school and to the Education Council, and the council confirmed it had started an investigation. The man was no longer teaching at the school concerned this year.

Stuff is not naming the family, the man or the school for legal reasons.

The daughter's family have barely heard from her since July, except for a handful of text messages, and do not know which country she is in.

"I keep my messenger on in case she wants to reach me one day," the mother said.

She understands her daughter is also not sharing her location with friends and other family members, who have told her the daughter's messages were uncharacteristic.

A friend of the family told them she had left the country suddenly in the early hours of the morning in February. And a detective told the mother paperwork filled out by the teacher showed they entered Japan and had declared they would stay for a year. She has also heard rumours they could be in China or the Philippines.

The family believe the man is dodging the Education Council investigation – "because they were gone so quickly, without anyone knowing about it," the mother said.

"We do miss her so much. We try to keep our hopes up.

"But if it comes to nothing, we've lost our child, and I don't think it should end with that."

Jacque Aldridge, who runs a support group in Palmerston North for parents who are estranged from their adult children, said it was more common than people might realise for grown children to cut themselves off from a parent.

"The parent feels shame and somehow to blame. Lots of people never tell their friends and networks, because it's so horrible. Everyone says: 'Why? Why is your adult child not talking to you?'"

The reasons were often complex and many parents were left to wonder. Although it was important not to "hound" a child, she recommended sending occasional messages to let the child know the option to talk was still open.

Many parents found themselves cut off when the child went through a big transition in life, such as moving to a new city or getting married. Some realised too late their child had been increasingly withdrawing contact for some time, but for many the severance of communication was sudden and shocking, Aldridge said.