Northern Rail service so bad I hark for the days of British Rail – almost – FERGUS KELLY

But even the Wheeltappers And Shunters Club would have had their comic credulity stretched by Northern Rail's latest masterstroke of cancelling services to try to cut the number of cancelled trains.

Most rail passengers in the north have similar war stories.

During the worst of the winter in March, our local operator Hull Trains was reduced to ferrying us and other passengers by taxi to and from our station to Doncaster to join London-bound services for a couple of weeks because two of its four ageing locomotives were knocked out by the snow and ice.

Last weekend when the weather was fine we travelled to London with Hull Trains again.

Or rather we got as far as Doncaster where we were informed the train was terminating and we would have to scramble across platforms for the next Virgin service to the capital.

The reason given was that the train had (again) broken down.

It was the same explanation for the cancellation of the company's scheduled service on which we'd booked to return to Yorkshire the following afternoon.

You'd have to travel a long way to find staff as warm and courteous as those on Hull Trains, one of the country's smallest operators (which is why it has so few trains).

But that isn't much consolation when your travel plans are thrown into chaos again.

Nor are pledges of new locomotives somewhere down the line at the end of 2019.

To get home on Sunday we had to book with rival operator Grand Central instead.

We thought the complimentary bottles of water on each seat were a nice touch - until we realised why.

Despite the fact that it was obviously a new carriage, the air conditioning wasn't working. A stiflingly uncomfortable journey ensued.

The private rail monopolies are presently doing Jeremy Corbyn's job for him on promoting renationalisation.

It might soon be time to dust off those old British Rail gags.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Driven to distraction

Am I alone in finding Radio 2's new revamped drivetime show a bit of a cut-and-shut job?

It has been needlessly tinkered with so that Simon Mayo now shares duties with Jo Whiley, who previously fronted the evening show that came after him.

The resulting bodge bears the hallmarks of another clunking BBC gesture towards gender equality.

If the station's controllers had the courage of their convictions, why didn't they just give the job outright to Whiley?

Instead, a perfectly successful format has been replaced by one that has all the awkward and forced bonhomie of unfamiliar parents thrown together at an after-school function.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The trains might not be working, the murder rate is soaring and the Brexit saga threatens to rival the longevity of the Star Wars franchise.

But at least Tony the Tiger, the Honey Monster and the Milky Bar Kid could soon be outlawed.

MPs on the health and social care select committee recommend a ban on "brand-generated characters" as well as fast food ads before the 9pm TV watershed.

They also want to give local authorities the power to limit what they call "unhealthy food outlets" in their areas.

Such measures are always dressed up in terms like "helping people make healthy choices".

But that's doublespeak for restricting choice and, by doing so, infantilising all of us.

Government has too much on its plate already without taking on the responsibility of parents.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The week Dec upped the ante

Other than being pleased for his fellow Geordie Lost Voice Guy, who was a deserving winner, I wonder what Ant McPartlin was thinking at the end of the latest series of Britain's Got Talent?

Simon Cowell mentioned that they were looking forward to having him back for the next series.

But last week Dec was introduced as "Declan Donnelly" and over the week his confidence similarly expanded, as did the once unthinkable prospect of getting used to the idea of Dec without Ant.

Ant is fortunate that public affection for them as a duo remains such that most viewers would still much prefer to see the two of them reunited on our screens.

But if his old friend's solo act last week taught him anything, it must be that one more slip-up really would make him surplus to requirements.