Female vs. male burdens

One thing I have realised: no matter how well-equipped our Nirbhayas would have been in terms of ‘culture’, ‘character’, ‘confinement’ or even ‘self-defence’, the odds are that they would have met the same fate given the circumstances. And I too would have to let my daughter off counting on her fate and my faith and really nothing else.

I wasn’t a burden when I was born. I didn’t feel like one as I grew up in my home. If there were any restrictions I lived under, they applied to my male counterpart as well. I didn’t feel like a burden when my marriage was fixed or even after my marriage (my parents made sure of that).

Then Nirbhaya happened, the same year my son was born, and I started to feel the pangs. Some years later I had a daughter, but interestingly I don’t recall any sense of burden that I faced then. I probably forgot! Later, other similar incidents weighed me down with the ‘once upon a time’ tinge of burden.

The burden that, I wish to highlight, did not involve getting prepared to teach my daughter to make round chapatis, sew on buttons or iron clothes: those are life skills. It didn’t even include instructing her to speak softly and sit properly; those come under politeness for both (men and women), in public at least. Neither did the burden I talk of surround itself in warning her to avoid empty streets or wear appropriate clothes or take karate classes. These tasks are easily trainable and more or less oriented towards self-protection and self-sustenance.

Turn to the boys

The reality check was that no matter how many Nirbhayas we continued to police towards change, or shall we call it reformation, the condition would not change if we didn’t start working on the Karans and Kareems of our houses (I cringe at using the word homes nowadays).

We are so busy training our daughters the art of self-defence, self-security, self-dependence and self-sufficiency that we have completely overlooked teaching our sons the basic aspect of the self — self-control, along with the values of respect, empathy and consideration of the other self. That, I fear, is not an easy job as it not only encompasses the self but the other self as well.

The bigger burden that tugs at us parents right now is of having a son… let’s rephrase that a bit (in case I end up playing with the fragile egos of proud parents of sons, or ladkewales)… the duties of having a son.

Equality of emotions

It has to begin with creating awareness about ‘equality of emotions’. Anyone can cry (don’t control your tears, rather control your temper, your unduly urges); physical strength does not give you endorsement at birth to use aggression in any form; no true relation demands anyone’s subservience for its fulfilment; there’s nothing like mard ki toh fitrat hi aisi hoti hai (the male tendency is like that only). Let’s make one thing clear: Fitrat hoti nahi hai, banayi jati hai! (Tendencies are not as they are. They are nurtured, they are made).

The mothers (and fathers) of today need to gear up to take up the larger task at hand of nurturing and shaping the sons’ fitrat. This starts in our homes with how women are being treated within the four walls, in fact even being talked about, by both the male and female members of the household.

Our natural inclination to point a finger of blame at only males may be misconceived. Many times our very own breed, the females, maybe doing the damage to other female member/s of the house in the way they treat them and speak to them or about them overall, which the young sons witness and inhale on a daily basis.

We have to start with our boys today to prevent any more Nirbhayas tomorrow. And who could do it better than another ‘could have been Nirbhaya’.... A Woman, A Mother, once a little molested girl....me! (hopefully, with my partner).

sumayyakhan.23@hotmail.com