Avoiding the royal wedding might seem entirely insurmountable, but there are still ways around it. For example, I suspect that I won’t get to watch the ceremony even if I wanted to, because after about five seconds of turgidly reverential coverage, my three-year-old will bark “Not this one!” and force me to instead watch some godawful YouTube video where a dog sings at some fruit.
But if the YouTube kids app isn’t for you and you don’t fancy the FA Cup final, there are still options. Yes, you can rule out BBC One, ITV and Sky One, because they’ve all swept everything aside in favour of covering the wedding. But that still leaves dozens of channels, all carrying on more or less as normal. And, luckily for you, I’ve cherrypicked the highlights. Here, then, is your alternative TV guide.
If you love terrestrial television …
So you don’t want to stray from the safety of the big five channels. That’s fine, because there’s still plenty for you to choose from. At 9am when it all kicks off, why not watch three episodes of Frasier in a row (Channel 4)? That’ll warm you up nicely for your big 10.30am decision: will it be three episodes of The Big Bang Theory (Channel 4), some documentaries about impressive people you’ll never hope to emulate (Astronauts: Do You have What It Takes? and SAS: Rogue Warriors, both BBC Two) or a Gadget Show repeat about aquatic drones (Channel 5). One thing’s for sure: by midday you’re bound to watch Tron: Legacy (BBC Two), because nothing protests against fawning coverage of aristocrats like a movie sequel so middling that you’d forgotten it was ever even made.
If you love films …
This one is easy. Time it right and you can hopscotch through the day in a blissful parade of cinematic excellence. Here’s my suggested viewing order: at 8am, watch Miami Magma on the Horror Channel. Then go and have breakfast and a shower, because at 11am 5USA is showing Fatal Memories, a thriller about a woman determined to clear her sister’s name after she’s accused of murdering her mother. Realistically, you’ll barely last an hour with this, but that’s OK; don’t forget that BBC Two is showing Tron Legacy at midday. Lucky you.
If you like weddings, just not royal weddings …
TLC is your friend here. The whole channel is basically wedding central today. Here’s the schedule from midnight: two episodes of Curvy Brides Boutique, two episodes of Cake Boss (one of which revolves around wedding cakes), two episodes of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, two episodes of I Found the Gown, two episodes of Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss, four episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, one episode of Say Yes to the Dress: UK, two episodes of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, three episode of Say Yes to the Dress: UK and one episode of Say Yes to the Dress, at which point you’ll want to switch over to BBC Two and watch Tron: Legacy because you’re only human.
If you like royal weddings, but hate watching coverage of royal weddings …
Television has still got you covered. Lifetime’s schedule is rammed with wedding-adjacent programming like Harry & Meghan: Royal Rebels (9:10am) and Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance (10:05am).
If you preferred Meghan Markle before she married into a family that is ultimately bound to destroy her …
At 10am The Food Network is airing the episode of Chopped Junior that featured a pre-Harry Meghan Markle as a guest judge. Look at her smiling in a way that didn’t suggest she was being slowly suffocated by duty! Remember when she used to do that?
If none of this does anything for you …
Just watch Netflix like you would anyway, or go outside. Be back for midday, though, because Tron: Legacy isn’t going to watch itself.
Our essential guide:
8am: Miami Magma, Horror Channel
10am: Chopped Junior, Food Network
11am: SAS: Rogue Warriors, BBC Two
12pm: Tron Legacy, BBC Two