If Cate Blanchett is the queen of the Cannes red carpet, the equivalent for the marché’s sticky orangey-brown underlay would be Tara Reid, a sort of patron saint figure for straight-to-TV horror movies you watch for 10 minutes while skipping through the channels after Newsnight. Her latest effort tells the harrowing tale of a coach trip that gets overrun by satanists (a phenomenon otherwise known as the 11.30pm Megabus from Glasgow to Aberdeen). One point deducted for repetition of the word “hell” in both the title and the tagline, which means that the film is now on -1,001 points.

There’s been an alarming spate of seasonally themed slasher films in recent years, with titles such as Better Watch Out and Mercy Christmas, so it’s nice to see a festive flick that tackles the altogether more wholesome topic of dog abduction. This is a bit of a doberman’s breakfast of a poster, all told, with its strange combination of photography, illustration and what seems to be a CGI dodo.

Help, I’ve just received a cease and desist letter from Rick Moranis! Quite why Disney hasn’t already dispatched a well-armed militia of lawyers to shut down this flagrant act of intellectual property violation is unclear. Otherwise, the poster for this German family comedy is a pretty solid effort, mainly because it doesn’t inexplicably feature a CGI dodo.

Chinese cinema seems to be bang into body-shaming at the moment. After last year’s Oversize Cops comes this tale of two stout secret agents who team up to take down a drugs cartel – while wearing tuxedos, for some reason. Impressively, they have managed to squeeze the word “buddies” right down so the poster looks as if it is aggressively screaming “FAT” at you, like some sadistic personal trainer.

Another incredibly aggressive title, this time paired with some Gaspar Noé bad PCP poster art for a musical comedy that promises to “inject LOVE into your system”. Can I just have a Berocca instead? It comes from the mind of Satoshi Miki, director of such snappily titled hits as The Insects Unlisted in the Encyclopedia (2007) and Turtles Swim Faster Than Expected (2005).

OK, so technically, this is the poster for the third series of a Ukrainian TV drama, but it gets a pass because, well, just look at it. Mark Chapman from Match of the Day 2 stars as a detective gifted with “an extraordinarily acute sense of smell”. A police dog, then.

“The creatures looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, but it was impossible to say which was which.” Once a lauded figure at Cannes, Gérard Depardieu is now trapped in the festival’s basement, hawking – consults press notes – “a delicate story of the friendship between a farmer and a piglet, taking place in contemporary Bulgaria”. Again, why isn’t Hollywood suing these people for plagiarism?