This is the last edition of Dating After #MeToo. Many thanks to everyone who took the time to write in, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to answer all of your questions! Here’s to us all continuing to work our way towards kinder, healthier and more equitable relationships in the post-#MeToo era.
Hi Jean,
I just read the article about stealthing in the Guardian, and you told a reader that stealthing is rape. I felt sick to my stomach. I did this to a girl about 14 years ago. It was purely a drunken accident. Not at all intentional. Not something I tried to do to brag about.
The condom came off. I was very drunk. It came off several times (due to brewer’s droop). During sex the condom came off and after a few times I just went ahead without a condom. When she realized, she was angry. She wanted to stop. Obviously I did. We fell asleep. In the morning she seemed fine but never answered my calls.
I am devastated to think she may have felt raped. Not a week has gone by since then that I haven’t thought about it. Every week for 14 years. I know it was wrong, but what can I do? Should I call her? Should I try to apologize?
I respect women and this is the only time I’ve ever done something disrespectful to a woman. Can I make this right somehow?
K
Hi K,
Thanks for writing to me. As I wrote in my reply last week, rape is defined as sexual penetration without consent in most jurisdictions. Your description of what happened is a bit ambiguous, and I’m not here to arbitrate, so ultimately only you and the woman you were with at the time can know whether what happened was an accident or not. That you feel and express real regret is obviously a sign of good conscience, and I appreciate it.
Your story is illustrative of how alcohol can lead to decisions and actions that can lead to behavior that crosses a line. This needs to be brought to the fore more in many #MeToo conversations.
Drinking too much can be a tool that seems essential for many people to get the confidence to go to bed in the first place, but it can also impede good decision-making. Alcohol is never an excuse for sexual assault, but it can certainly motivate people to make choices that they’d be unlikely to make if they were sober or drinking in moderation.
You asked me whether you can make this right somehow, and I think after this long passage of time the best thing that you can do is come to terms with it yourself: to accept that you did something that was not right and to forgive yourself for it. Working on this with a therapist might be helpful, and perhaps in that context you could also discuss whether reaching out to the woman you were with that night is a good idea.
It’s possible that she would appreciate hearing an apology from you, but it’s also very possible that she would prefer not to hear from you because she has coped with what happened in her own way and on her own time. Her response to an apology may not be what you’d like to hear. You need to find a way to grant that forgiveness to yourself; your desire to make amends and real reflection makes me confident that you can do it.
JHE
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Hello Jean,
I used to work in an art gallery in the pre-#MeToo era and always struggled with clients asking me out. There was obviously a power dynamic operating with the wealthy, older male client v younger female “assistant” and there was never an occasion when I felt like I had given signals that I might say “yes”, other than engaging the person in conversation in a friendly manner about art, as was appropriate in my role.
It always made me feel uncomfortable, no matter how politely they inquired, and I always declined. I would like to know whether it is ever appropriate to ask somebody out while they working in a customer service role and you are the customer?
I
Hi I,
I’m sure a lot of people will read your letter with a sigh of recognition, as I did. Your experience is not uncommon, though the age and wealth of your clients might have been particular to working in an art gallery: it’s all too common for people to mistake the friendliness of a person in a customer service role as something more than a desire to complete a sale or other transaction in a way that’s pleasant and will encourage repeat business.
This is no doubt more common in a high-contact sales situation like an art gallery compared with, say, a coffee shop, but it’s uncomfortable nonetheless, and can make the worker feel as though they’ve no choice but to endure this kind of behavior if they want to keep their job. If you can dismiss invitations with a firm “no thanks”, it might seem like no harm is done – and no doubt in some cases it isn’t – but it can be very wearing and undermining to be a young person who is made to feel that their value at work is as an object of romantic desire if that wasn’t in the original job description.
You can’t control the behavior of your customers, but people in management need to recognize when this kind of behavior is going on and do something about it – not treat it like a job hazard. I worked in restaurants when I was in my early 20s, and one man came in during all of my shifts to sit alone at a table, drink bottles of red wine and offer to set me up in a flat as his mistress. The manager laughed at my discomfort and sent me back to the man’s table to ask if he’d like another round.
So I guess the takeaway here is a plea to the people with relative power in these situations: managers and customers. If you’re a manager, look after your customer service staff. Don’t make them endure sexual harassment as part of their jobs. If you’re a customer planning to ask someone out whose job it is to serve you: think very hard about whether you really think that their interest in you extends beyond them being friendly as you carry out a transaction. And if you do that hard thinking and decide, yes, this is one of those rare times when it is appropriate to ask, only do so if you’re completely prepared to take “no thanks” as a firm, indisputable answer.
JHE