Over the years I have overheard my parents discussing me many times. I’ve heard personal, critical and sometimes nasty things about me and the direction I’ve taken in life. I’m sure the word “failure” has been used. I’m struggling to understand why. I didn’t excel at school – I chose to go down the creative route. My parents don’t share these interests. After uni, I struggled a bit; I decided not to pursue my degree subject as a career. I got part-time work and had little money, which probably wasn’t the idea my parents had of graduate life. I moved back home with no idea what to do. I had no social life or hobbies, and I was confused and I coasted. I can understand my parents not thinking very highly of me then.
Eventually I found out about a job that sounded just what I wanted – but it meant trying to break into an industry in which I had no experience. When I told my parents, they were sceptical. I moved to a new city with only casual work and benefits to live on. It wasn’t easy, but eventually I got a fantastic job. Unfortunately, after careful consideration I decided it wasn’t the career for me. I’m comfortable with my decision and proud of what I achieved, but while my parents appreciate some of this, they are disappointed. I moved back home again, but it’s not like last time. I’ve grown up and gained more confidence. I am starting a new job, but I’ll be working part-time, at least at first.
When I overheard my parents, they said this was not the career they would have wanted for me and that I was “immature”. I cry when I overhear these things, then get myself together. I don’t let on I’ve heard. I’m in my late 20s and each time something like this happens, a part of me feels like a lonely, despairing child again. I hope to move out soon. We are a family who suppress emotions, and bringing this up with my parents seems pointless since there is no “truth” to uncover; I already know what they think.
It’s horrible to overhear yourself being spoken about negatively, and doubly so when it’s your parents, because, no matter how grown up, many people still crave their parents’ approval. You also have no way to redress things without admitting you overheard, which immediately makes you feel like the bad guy. So, I started off appalled for you and cross at your parents, which is great for sympathy, not so good for helping you out; but then, speaking to a psychotherapist, Chris Mills, helped me see some of your parents’ point of view.
“I have sympathies on both sides here,” he said. “Parents should be able to discuss their children in private, because sometimes there are things that need to be talked through. But some things are not for the children’s ears and shouldn’t be overheard. I don’t think all discussion is for all the family.”
You only go back to your parents when something goes wrong, so perhaps that’s the only side of you they see. This may be a factor.
“I wonder,” Mills thought, “if there are unresolved issues with your parents that go back a long way; and you’ve been struggling to find your feet – the two may be connected. But although you’ve had a number of false starts, each time you’ve gone back to your parents – and they have been supportive and allowed you to do that.” Most parents want to see their children thrive, Mills said, “so maybe they’re frustrated”. They are, after all, older parents who are very insular. They may come from a time when people had one job for life, and that’s what success means to them.
But you are on the brink of a new job and I think it’s imperative you leave home – for the last time – and soon. And I think there’s something else for you to consider here. Sometimes, when children (now adult) didn’t get what they wanted from their early home life, they continue to go back to look for the missing piece. You also need to look at that – why you keep going back.
“I think it’s time,” Mills said, “to initiate a more adult dialogue with your parents. Not to look for reassurance from them, but to inhabit your own adult self more confidently by offering them reassurance instead. Say something like, ‘You’ve been great, but this is my plan now.’”
And then move out, once and for all.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.