Beachcomber: 101 years old and still playing with percentages...

One, from the Office for National Statistics on drinking habits, reported that 20 per cent of over-16s do not drink alcohol.

The other, from the Musicians’ Union told me that 44 per cent of our orchestral musicians say they do not earn enough to live on.

I turned immediately to the file of surveys I have seen this year to see what I could discover about these percentages and found the following: 20 per cent of people eat Jaffa Cakes in one bite; 20 per cent of non- religious people pray; 20 per cent of under-35s have tried a vegan diet; 20 per cent of antibiotic prescriptions are inappropriate.

44 per cent of millennials see their pets as practice for parenthood; 44 per cent of adults support the introduction of driverless cars; 44 per cent of women feel nervous about the impact starting a family might have on their career; 44 per cent of employees believe a 25 per cent pay rise would have a big impact on improving their happiness at work.

All of which, I feel, sets the scene for another statistically correct disastrous romance story.

Their eyes met across a room full of people filling in questionnaires. “Hello,” he said nervously, “What’s your name?"

“I’m Twentie,” she replied. “And who might you be?”

“My name’s Ford,” he said. “Fordy Ford. Can I get you a drink?”

“I don’t drink alcohol,” she said. “I’m trying to be a vegan, you see.”

“Oh,” he said, not seeing at all. “That’s lucky really because I can’t actually afford to get you a drink. I’m an orchestral musician and I don’t earn enough to live on.”

“Oh,” she said, picking up a Jaffa Cake and stuffing it all into her mouth.

“I didn’t know Jaffa Cakes were vegan,” he said.

“Oh dear,” she said, “I don’t know either. I hope they don’t make me ill. I might be prescribed inappropriate antibiotics. I can only pray that doesn’t happen.”

“Oh,” he said, “are you religious?”

“No,” she said, “Not at all.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” he said. “I think the way you ate that Jaffa Cake was wonderful. I’d never be brave enough myself to eat one in a single bite. Will you marry me, Twentie?”

“But we’ve only just met, Fordy,” she replied. “How do you feel about having children?”

“Don’t rush things,” he said. “Most of the women I know are really nervous about starting a family. Maybe we could get a pet first for practice.”

“How can you afford a pet when you don’t earn enough to live on?” she asked.

“I’m hoping for a 25 per cent increase,” he said. “Then I’d be happy.”

“Some chance!” she said. “Look, this isn’t working. Drive me home.”

“I don’t drive,” he said. “I can’t afford a car. But I’ll try to order a driverless car if you’ll come with me.”

“Sorry,” she said. “I don’t support the introduction of driverless cars,” and they never saw each other again.