SPINAL PRAT
The Fiver has always felt a certain kinship with Big Sam. For starters nothing is ever our fault, not even the holes our boss punches in his desk every time a carefully-scrawled teatimely newsletter lands in his inbox for consideration. For seconds, we might cut a hangdog and browbeaten figure but our bulletproof sense of self-worth means that, going on two decades after our top-flight career began, we’re still here merrily revisiting the same old tropes whether anyone else likes it or not.
In fact we’d probably award ourselves 11 out of 10 for survivability, which is further proof that Everton’s supremo is bound to us by happy conjunction of the stars. “I’d give myself an 11,” was Sam’s retort to the appalling news that people might actually be asked what they thought of him.
On the braggadocio scale it slides comfortably beneath: “I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one.” And, if we are being kind, nudges just ahead of: “That was me on a seven”. Allardici plays to bigger galleries than David Brent, after all, and has never had to resort to riding a fluffy emu to attract attention. The problem he has is that most Everton fans would probably be quite happy for him to ride out of town on one. They’d put him on a three or a four; the torpor at Goodison Park might, if we are being fair, be chiefly attributable to a lack of cohesion and foresight above him but it hardly lets the standard of football at the School of Science off scot-free and the chance to dish out a few ticks in the right boxes in a special club survey was not one that supporters were about to pass up.
Except it was all an accident, naturally, and Big Sam rides again regardless of how low opinions might have plunged. See more parallels with the Fiver; see some in politics if you want, that’s up to you. This little episode appears to have been tied up in a bow with an apology from Bill Kenwright, who would struggle to create a West End hit out of his club’s distinctly average story from the past few years but rode to the rescue of his bristling manager in short order.
“If that happened, I’d be more than disappointed,” Sam said of the prospect that this summer might, after all, bring notice that his services are no longer required. If only there was a way to find out whether that might be a good idea; just don’t tell any of the Fiver’s overlords if you discover one.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s pretty hard to ignore texts from Premier League footballers while you are revising. And it’s difficult not to let the business stuff take over because it is going well and it is important. But sometimes the schoolwork does have to take priority. I move my phone away from me during revision so that I can’t be distracted” – Seventeen-year-old Sam Morgan, apparently haute-couture supplier to the Arsenal team, on the problems of combining A-levels with flogging £1,110 Dior kicks to footballers.
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THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition.
FIVER LETTERS
“Kyle Walker stating England need a miracle [Wednesday’s Bits and Bobs] to win the World Cup reminded me of this. The parallels are all there – a coach who missed out on glory in the past due to his own incompetence, good guys having to deal with bad Russians during a period of diplomatic tension between two states, domestic rivals uniting to beat the best in the world and ultimately proof that sporting miracles can happen. They even beat (West) Germany on route to glory – albeit without Jordan Henderson – Ben North.
“Having read your article about the Luke Shaw conspiracy [Wednesday’s Fiver], it strikes me that the only way to save himself from the evil that he has descended into is for Mourinho to throw him on as a last minute substitute in the FA Cup semi-final where he could flash a dangling leg at a cross and shin one into the top corner to win the tie: The Luke Shaw Shank Redemption” – Jonathon Palmer.
“Neil Golightly clearly remembers his third-year French lessons (or Year 24 or whatever they call it these days) [Wednesday’s Fiver] and knows his imperative forms well, but sadly his mid-teen Tricolore memories are hazier as he’s forgotten that an indefinite pronoun can’t be an object of a verb by itself. It would have to be Faites-En Un not Faites Un” – Toby Smith.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jonathon Palmer.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Fifa will take no further action against a Spanish player accused of racially abusing England’s Morgan Gibbs-White during the Under-17 World Cup final last year.
Winning the FA Cup? Whatevz, reckons Mauricio Pochettino.
Santi Cazorla could be offered a new Arsenal deal despite not playing for them since October 1957, says Arsène Wenger. “We miss him a lot, you know,” Wenger sobbed.
Football fans want to stand, but not for the whole match – that’s the confusing conclusion of research presented to Premier League suits last week.
Remember Renato Sanches? He’s back in Swansea after returning to Bayern Munich for hamstring-gah rehab work, but won’t be available for Sunday’s trip to Manchester City.
Antonio Conte’s London-centric media bias was on full display as he claimed Burnley are easier to manage than Chelsea, what with all the money they don’t have to spend. “It is more difficult when you have to prepare in the transfer market to win something, because only one team wins,” sighed Conte.
Meanwhile Marcos Alonso has landed a three-game stay on the naughty step for Riverdancing up Shane Long at St Mary’s last weekend.
And hot Estonian Cup news! FC Flora of Tallinn have landed a plum draw in the semi-finals against ... FC Flora Under-21s.
STILL WANT MORE?
Money can’t buy hate, so-says Rob Smyth on the age-old Wenger-Ferguson feud.
Jonjo Shelvey can add pizzazz to England’s beige midfield, reckons Louise Taylor.
The Simy spectacular has got the Scudetto moving and shaking, writes Paolo Bandini.
An ode to Iago Aspas. By Sid Lowe.
John Ashdown on the tale of a suspicious death, Nazis and the Austrian football team.
Corking FA Cup semi-finals and sublime Seedorf feature in this week’s Classic YouTube.
And Millwall manager Neil Harris gets his chat on with Ed Aarons.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!