If only Frank Capra, Alfred Hitchock and Stanley Kubrick had gotten the chance to direct an 'Avengers' movie ...

Pete Chianca

You know it, I know it, the American people know it: “Avengers: Infinity War” (opening April 27) is going to be amazing. I say that based not on any insider knowledge but rather on watching the 2-minute trailer, because trailers are always right.

I do know that it involves the “Mad Titan” Thanos and his henchmen -- who have cool henchman names like “Corvus Glaive” -- attempting to destroy half the universe, and the only thing standing in their way is … wait, let me count … one meeeeeeellion Marvel superheroes.

As cool as that sounds, though, the whole Marvel saga makes me feel a little sorry for the decades of movie-going audiences who didn’t have an expensive new superhero movie to enjoy every three months or so. You can only imagine what some of the great directors of yesteryear would do with “Avengers: Infinity War.” And in fact, I did:

‘It’s a Wonderful Infinity War’ (dir. Frank Capra, 1946)

Discouraged by the events of “Captain America Goes to Washington,” Cap (Jimmy Stewart) declares that the world would be better off without him. This prompts Nick Fury (Gary Cooper) to use cutting-edge S.H.I.E.L.D. technology to show Cap what the world would be like if he’d never been thawed out.

Key scene: Thanos (Lionel Barrymore) offers Cap a job helping him destroy half the universe, but Cap calls him a scurvy little spider and makes a speech about bullies.

Key quote: Tony Stark (Sheldon Leonard) - “Hey look, mister. We serve hard drinks for men who want to get drunk fast, and we don't need any characters around to give the joint ‘atmosphere.’ And get that shield outta here!”

‘Thanos On A Train’ (dir. Alfred Hitchcock, 1957)

On a train ride, an advertising executive (Cary Grant) meets a Mad Titan (Claude Rains)

who proposes an unusual bargain: He will kill the executive's clingy wife if the executive annihilates half the known universe.

Key scene: Loki (Anthony Perkins) sneaks up on Phil Coulson (Hume Cronyn) in the shower and stabs him with his magic scepter.

Key quote: Agent Ross (Joan Fontaine) - "Last night I dreamt I went to Wakanda again.”

‘Infinity War, or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Thanos’ (dir. Stanley Kubrick, 1964)

The Avengers (George C. Scott as Captain America, Keenan Wynn as Hawkeye and Peter Sellers as Iron Man, Thor and Black Widow) try to stop Thanos (Sterling Hayden) from destroying half the universe in order to preserve his precious bodily fluids.

Key Scene: Hulk (Slim Pickens) rides a nuclear missile. Not to kill Thanos, just for fun.

Key Quote: Nick Fury (James Earl Jones) - “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the S.H.I.E.L.D. Strategic Operations Command Center!”

‘Avengers Side Story: The Sound of Muscles’ (dir. Robert Wise, 1965)

In this lavish musical, Natasha Romanova (Julie Andrews) leaves her sequestered life as an undercover Russian operative to attempt to save the universe from Thanos (Christopher Plummer). Unexpectedly the two fall in love after she wins over the trust of his daughters -- Nebula (Natalie Wood), Gamora (Rita Moreno) and Brigitta (Angela Cartwright) -- and gets Thanos to sing again. Based on a true story.

Key scene: Thanos sings the tender ballad “Somewhere” while raining fire down on the dregs of humanity.

Key quote: Avengers Ensemble - “Gee Mr. Thanos, you’ve misunderstood / Destroying half the universe would just be no good / We know that you’ve got those Infinity Stones / But why not leave well enough alone?”

‘Infinity Hall’ (dir. Woody Allen, 1977)

Vision (Woody Allen) wonders if he could ever have a truly fulfilling relationship with Wanda (Diane Keaton), given all his quirky neuroses and the fact that he’s an android with a Mind Stone stuck in his forehead, meaning Thanos (Tony Roberts) is probably coming from outer space to kill him.

Key scene: Vision attends dinner at Wanda’s family’s house and imagines they’re all picturing him like the robot from “Lost in Space.”

Key quote: Wanda - “You’re what Grammy Maximoff would call ‘a real Synthezoid.’”

‘Stark Raging Mad’ (dir. Martin Scorsese, 1980)

Tortured by jealousy and personal demons, Tony Stark (Robert DeNiro) squanders his good fortune and alienates everyone around him, from his best friend Steve Rogers (Joe Pesci) to his fiance Pepper Potts (Cathy Moriarty). Eventually he becomes a fat, pathetic outcast after failing to prevent Thanos (Harvey Keitel) from destroying half the universe.

Key scene: Tony stands in front of a mirror practicing snarky bon mots. (“Are you talkin’ to the genius billionaire playboy philanthropist? Because I’m the only genius billionaire playboy philanthropist here,” etc.)

Key quote: Corvus Glaive (Frank Vincent) - “Hey, Tony, if I was gonna break your balls, I'd tell you to go home and get your shellhead. [Turns to the rest of Thanos' Black Order.] Now this kid, this kid was great. They used to call him Shellhead Shine Tony. [Takes a drink.] Now go home and get your ****ing shellhead.” [Tony bludgeons him to death with his Arc Reactor.]

On second thought, maybe it all worked out for the best.