How losing parts of your identity can build self-esteem.
Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you got your identity stolen, then the thieves found out so many of the boring and everyday details of your life that they gave your identity back to you?
"Sorry, but you must not have measured up," an investigator might observe. "It's getting pretty easy to steal identities these days, so you're up against some strong competition. Identity thieves have gotten picky. They've developed some pretty high standards."
That's true.
It seems from news reports nearly everyone is getting their identity stolen. Because so many of our records are digitized these days, it's possible for a baby to come into the world with his identity already stolen. And I'm pretty sure the first thing that happens to a lot of people who go out of the world is they have their identity stolen. People who haven't voted their entire lives could start voting when they kick off.
This is why, with identity theft apparently so widespread, I can't help hoping the identity thieves are able to do better with my identity than I did. I'd like a picture with more hair and fewer wrinkles and maybe eyebrows that are less bushy. I'd take the facial identity of, well, almost anybody else. I'm kind of tired of seeing my face. I see my face every morning in the mirror and, at my age, it's not always an identity with which I'm entirely comfortable.
New Identity
It's not that I dislike my individual identity, or what I've done with it. Overall, it's been a fairly fun identity with which I could go through life. It's just in comparison to the millions of other identities that apparently have been swiped lately, I likely lack a little of what makes people want to identify with some individuals.
So, if anybody steals my identity, could you spruce me up a little? Picture me wearing better clothes, if possible. And I need better hats. Fix me through Photoshop, OK?
All right, I'd keep the baseball hats if you give me a more athletic past. I'd like to have played shortstop for some team in the major leagues. Not now, of course, which would mean I'd have to actually go out and do something athletic, for a very short time before I pulled some muscle and they cut me and sent me home mumbling, "What made me think I could do THAT in my 60s? ..." I'd end up identifying myself as being really stupid — not somebody who had a very good grip on reality. Even I wouldn't want that kind of identity, so why would anyone want to go to the trouble of stealing it?
No, I just want an identity with the past of a sports star. It would be an easy identity to set up. Stick a posting on social media that says something like "Let's celebrate! It's been 40 years since you and your New York Yankee teammates won the World Series! Share this accomplishment with your friends!" Then, humbly, I would. So people who saw it would come up to me at parties and say, "Wow, I didn't know that about you!
This would make me give some sort of "Aw shucks" look, shrug modestly, and get the heck over to the other side of the room before I could be quizzed about an identity of which I had absolutely no knowledge. Whew! Just missed being exposed. Note to thieves: Make me a middle innings relief pitcher, because nobody questions those guys.
Better Understanding
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it doesn't work that way. Identity thieves just take your identity and run with it. They don't modify it. They just take the details of your identify and steal your money or sell it to someone else who can take your money.
Well, if identity thieves were sensitive at all to the needs of their victims, they could change their system.
Identity thieves certainly don't need all the identities they steal. People in that illegal line of work have stolen millions of identities — from social media, from credit cards, from retail store files, and from online shopping data. They can't possibly need millions of identities. I never totally use my own identity and I'm just one person trying to get through life on it.
Having many times more identities at your disposal is like winning a huge multi-million-dollar lottery. No regular everyday person could spend that much money by himself. So, winners generally start handing out money to charities, family members and friends — whoever begs the most.
That's why I'm begging anybody who has stolen my identity or who plans to steal it in the future — merge it with some identity more exciting.
Just a suggestion, I've got a friend who is heading off soon to Barbados. I've never been to Barbados. I wouldn't mind if my new identity said I did. Post pictures of the trip on my page in Facebook. I'll like the look. Not to dwell on it, but he's got a good head of hair.