I have seen a number of Sage Folks on the Internet complaining that students across the nation walked out Wednesday to protest gun violence instead of remaining in class and learning important things. How dare they! Don’t worry: I have you covered for the 17 minutes of walkout, and beyond. Here is what you missed.
MATH
3/14! It is pi day. Christine has brought a large cherry pie with a little pi-shaped cutout on the top because she has that flair and a steady baking hand, and Bridget’s dad has also made a lovely pie for her to bring in and pass off as her own in case there are points attached to doing so. Class will be spent cutting both pies into slices and passing them out while Mr. Brinker tries feebly to explain something about circumference and diameter so that the period is not entirely wasted. It is possible that he will timidly suggest you spend a little bit of time doing calculus, but if that is the case, rest assured that in real life, there is no such thing as calculus.
ENGLISH
You are missing the in-class discussion of the assigned reading. It is very obvious that Lucy has done the reading, and she has a lot of thoughtful, cogent opinions about “Romeo and Juliet” and the things Mercutio is feeling. It is equally obvious that Tim has not done the reading, and he has just been doing a close analysis of the one line that he read quickly since the start of class, even though in context that line reading makes no sense at all. You kind of want to tell him that Queen Mab is not a real character in the play, but it is fun to watch him struggle. Ms. Daniels would have let you out early.
U.S. HISTORY
The people on the Internet think you would have been discussing the Second Amendment today, but if it has taken you until March to get to the Second Amendment, something is very wrong in your class. You are supposed to be on America’s role in World War II, but you are a little behind, and so today Mr. Z is discussing the bonus marchers. You will erroneously learn about a time when people who believed in something showed up in a certain place and made their demands known. This is not how it works in real life, adults will tell you.
BIOLOGY
The mitochondria are the powerhouses of the cell.
GYM
I don’t know what your schedule is, but maybe you have gym now? You will do those annoying wind drills where you run up and down the court, farther and farther each time. They are supposed to make you more agile, or build your endurance, or something. In real life you will never run unless you are late for the subway.
LUNCH
I am just being safe! I really don’t know what your schedule is. Lunch is chicken, the weird chicken. You will share a table with your best friend, who is still alive, but for whose life you have no security because the people charged with protecting you have done nothing and are not being held accountable.
LANGUAGE
The people in the textbook have been trapped in some shrubbery next to the road for the past eight weeks, and you will finally learn the verb to get them out. Don’t be too excited: After this happens, your teacher decides that the best way to learn the language is to watch an eight-part film starring Gerard Depardieu that you will only imperfectly understand.
CHOIR
You will learn a song that will be stuck in your head forever. In 30 years when every other moment of high school is only a vague memory, you will have this dang song adapting “Jabberwocky” into three-part harmony stuck in your head, instead of useful information, such as the name of your congresswoman or the rights guaranteed by the Seventh Amendment.
ASSEMBLY
The spring dance is coming up. Be sure to get fitted for your graduation robes. Mark your calendars for homecoming. If you are going to submit to the literary magazine, you had better submit now! If you are thinking of running for student body president, you should announce your candidacy soon! It is important to have a voice in your community, but not too much. It was good that you stayed for this. It was important to hear all of this. Why walk out? There is so much life ahead of you in which to make a difference, probably. Maybe not.
