Eli Finkel says in his book, “The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work”, “We come to one person and are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide. Give me belonging, identity, continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, edge, novelty, familiarity, predictability, surprise...And we think toys and lingerie are going to save us with that...over time we've piled more and more of these emotional and psychological functions (on marriage).”
To live up to the other’s ideal can be demanding. Finkel says partners are expected to bring out the best in the other, “All of us have an actual self — what we currently that we are — we also have an ideal self, a version of ourselves that's aspirational. And we look to our partners to be our sculptors, to help us until we actually grow toward the best, ideal version of ourselves...we do have this power, but it's not easy to do...And sometimes the version of you that you want to grow into isn't the version of you that I want you to grow into...”
The flourishing marriage and the failing one, differ in the manner in which conflicts are navigated. One suggestion Finkel gives is, “...your spouse does something inconsiderate. You have a lot of control over how that behaviour affects you. And in particular, you have control over whether you want to explain that behaviour in terms of something about your spouse that's maybe stable and a character assessment, like my spouse is always such a jerk...or more charitably...there are all sorts of things that contribute to why somebody engages in one behaviour over another behaviour..., and we have some control over the extent to which we interpret our partner's inconsiderate or rude behaviour in a way that's more generous and kind...”
The second idea Finkel gives is the growth mind set. “There's a lot of good research on the extent to which people feel compatibility in a relationship is either there or can be developed...Going through difficulties in a relationship isn't a signal of incompatibility...it's an opportunity to learn to understand each other better and strengthen the relationship through the resolution of the conflict...we can try to make ourselves adopt a more constructive, growth-oriented approach to thinking about conflict in the relationship rather than a more destiny-oriented approach that can often view conflict as a deep sign of incompatibility, and that's pretty destructive for the relationship.”
And the third suggestion is that we diversify or expand our social circle consensually...we then do not overburden our partners.
Finally, “...every marriage has its own culture, its own language and its own expectations, and we can leverage the features to benefit the marriage with a sort of emotional shorthand that can help express affection.”
That is to say, keep alive the small gestures...they make s strong foundation!
sudhamahi@gmail.com