“It smells just like my Nana’s house in here,” my wife said.
She and I had stepped inside the Oriental Food Market on Quequechan Street, looking for red envelopes for our daughter — the kind of envelopes you fill with money and give as gifts for Chinese New Year. The musty aroma of tea and dried sea creatures sent my wife down memory lane.
My wife is the main inspiration for this column, having grown up going to Chinese picnics and exotic restaurants where her relatives would put stuff in front of her and dare her to eat it without saying what it was first — dishes scooped up out of an H.P. Lovecraft story. She always ate it, too. I grew up picking everything except the water out of my mom’s kale soup and begging for Cinnamon Toast Crunch instead. Her way is more fun.
The Oriental Food Market is an amazing place, and not just limited to Chinese groceries — there’s Thai, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Korean, all kinds of foods from canned bubble tea to massive slabs of jackfruit to banh mi. The shelves are packed with goodies if you have an adventurous palate, or if you like snacks flavored like animals usually found living in science aquariums. It’s going to keep me busy for a long time. Few product labels are in English, so I don’t even know if some stuff was jelly or lip balm — I guess I’ll find out when I try it.
Anyway, we found the Chinese New Year envelopes — and I picked up a few dainty delectables.
PH FOODS SQUID-FLAVORED CRISPY SNACK
Price: $1.79/bag
Overview: Half-chip, half-cracker, all squid
Least specific ingredient: “Seasoning”
Initial thoughts: I like squid sushi. And who doesn’t like calamari? But I was a bit worried when I noticed the chip-crackers were shaped like little crabs. Wrong animal. That’s not even a cephalopod, fellas, come on...
Tasting notes: Opening the bag, the smell knocked me over, a reek like low tide of an ocean composed entirely of old foot-sweat. The crackers are tiny and very light, like puffed rice or styrofoam. But eating them was 180 degrees from the putrid funk — they’re really good, and not too fishy except in the aftertaste. The flavor overall is more like garlic and saltwater, and the texture is deliciously crunchy. I’d eat them regularly. Pity about the odor.
Reactions from friends who tried them:
- “You get a taste of garlic, maybe a little something like fish, then it’s just poofy rice cake.”
- “Well it definitely tastes better than it smells.”
- “The aftertaste is horrifying, did you notice that? Well, thank you for the squid cracker. I’ve never said that before in my life.”
- “A little bit like a crab Rangoon. Crunchy outside, a little fishy. ... Do you mind if I take a couple for my cats?”
- “Kind of rank after you eat them.” “Yeah, not like a big refreshing mouthful of squid.”
Rating: 7/8 tentacles
GUSTO FRIED FISH WITH SESAME SNACK
Price: $2.79/package
Overview: Sardines run over by a tractor trailer hauling sesame seeds.
Least specific ingredient again: “Seasoning”
Initial thoughts: I dreaded these. I like fish but they still have tail fins for God’s sake.
Tasting notes: The stench was even more appalling than the squid cracker stink. I tried biting into one, only to find it was impossible to nibble — you have to commit to it, because the skin was hard as sheet metal and riddled with bones (upside: they’re rich in calcium). I managed to tear off a piece and barely choked down the fishiest fish flesh I’ve ever eaten. It was like licking the deck of a fishing boat, but with more splinters. My wife, on the other hand, ate one just fine.
Co-workers’ reactions: This might be a Vegemite situation, where you can only hate it or love it. One friend put a fish snack in his mouth, immediately pulled it out and gagged. Another chewed it with delight and had seconds: “Not bad. I had a Korean roommate freshman year, and he ate stuff like this all the time. Kind of sweet, almost like teriyaki.” He was miffed when I became so embarrassed about the rotten fish odor penetrating the office that I wouldn’t let anyone else try them, and threw them away on a different floor of the building.
Rating: 0.5/5 scales
T.O. NAM SAUSAGE CO. FRIED PORK EARS
Price: $2.99
Overview: Thin deep-fried earlobes
Initial thoughts: These look much different from the pig ears I give my dog, and resemble molted insect exoskeletons more than food.
Tasting notes: Another horrible smell again, but the taste isn’t bad. They’re just like pork rinds but much crunchier. They could use a touch more salt — or “Seasoning.” There’s a disturbing vein or perhaps a rim of cartilage running the length of each one. Ignore that and you’re in for a treat. Even my 5-year-old loved them. Just like mom.
Friends’ reactions:
- “That’s dog food, that’s not for people.”
- “You just don’t want to smell the bag. Just put the bag far away and they’re pretty good.”
- “Get one with a vein in it.”
Rating: 4/5 lobes
Send tips and suggestions to dmedeiros@heraldnews.com.