There comes a point in your life where you have to deal with difficult people. In school and college, it could be the project team member who freeloads on the work of the rest of the team. At the workplace, it could be the colleague who you constantly get into arguments with. At home, it could be a flat mate who steals your milk and cereal instead of just buying his own.
Much like the fight or flight response in reaction to perceived threats to survival, there are only two ways of managing difficult people – either hash it out through a conversation, or let the issue simmer beneath the surface, until it eventually becomes too big and toxic to ignore.
This route works
The advantage of going down the conversation route is that you can nip the issue in the bud early on. However, since the subject matter is sensitive in nature (after all, you’re calling someone out on their behaviour), conversations could sometimes turn awkward, nasty or confrontational. Here are some tips on how to get through them (relatively) unscathed:
Explain how their behaviour impacts you: Rather than using a confrontational tone (asking questions that begin with “why”, for instance, which can seem like an attack on the other person and can get them to go on defensive mode), opt instead to share with the other person what their behaviour was and how it made you feel (using “I” and “me” statements to let the person know that this is about how the situation has impacted you).
Understand where they are coming from: It is possible that they were not aware that their offending behaviour was offensive in the first place, and with luck, your calling it out would have shown them the light.
Complain less, act more: This is especially true when having to deal with difficult people at the workplace. It’s okay to let off steam with a few close friends, but broadcasting your dissatisfaction with someone to a wider audience can earn you a negative image as well.
It’s not them, it’s you: This is a tough one. Before starting the conversation, take some time to reflect. Is the person’s behaviour really an issue, or is there a chance that you are being irrational or having unfair expectations of them? If you are unsure if your reaction is appropriate, seek advice from someone you trust to provide a third party’s perspective.
If gentle hints don’t work, escalate: If the person’s behaviour does not change despite you pointing it out to them during the conversation, seek support. This could be from your boss, a project team member, or anyone else whose influence you think will help your case.
If all else fails, flee: You have tried everything in your power to make the other person see reason. However, as the old saying goes, sometimes you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Do your best to avoid being in situations that involve interacting with the individual unless absolutely necessary. Ask to be staffed on a different project, or look for another apartment if your flat mate is a nightmare. And once you are free of the negativity the situation caused you, don’t stop to think about it and move on.
The author is a psychologist and management consultant. krithvis@gmail.com