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Breaking up with someone on Valentine's Day falls strictly into two categories: A necessary evil that can't be avoided, or just downright cruel.
Many dating experts believe November to be the biggest month for breakups, since the idea of enduring the holidays with someone you can't stand is just too much to bear. But if you're looking to switch back to that single status this February, you need to be very careful about what kind of gift you give.
While breaking up with your boo on or near the big day probably isn't ideal, you also don't want to go over the top with a sweet gift that sends the wrong idea, or an expensive item they'll just throw in the trash after you dump them. Anything romantic or thoughtful is just a bad idea and jewelry is totally out of the question.
Might we suggest the best possible solution: a passive-aggressive gift to drop the hint. Check out the gifts below that can help soften the blow — or rub it in, depending on how heartless you are.
The wrapping paper
Image: Firebox
If you're about to dump someone, you obviously can't use a romantic red bag or paper that has "Happy Valentine's Day" plastered all over it — that's just cruel. Instead, warn them that this is not a regular date with the "Happy Fucking Whatever" gift wrap and tags.
A card that never shuts up (just like your ex)
Image: ThinkGeek
Your soon-to-be ex may think this card is a sweet gesture, but they're in for a rude awakening — especially if they open it before bed, at work, or anywhere in public, really. One press of the button prompts three hours of music, while a second press makes it louder. The Never-Ending Card will literally not stop unless they take out the battery or destroy it, and destroying it leads to an explosion of glitter that's just been chilling on the inside this entire time. They are going to want nothing to do with you — goal achieved.
THE GIFTS
A wine glass for the entire bottle
Image: Firebox
First, prepare them for the heartbreak to come. Since endless bottles of wine are about to be their new boo, make them feel less lame by gifting the Guzzle Buddy. Because let's be real — they probably won't be casually pouring out a single glass while they wallow.
'Helpful' advice for the future
Image: Firebox
Bid them better luck in their next relationship with the Don't Fuck It Up mug from Firebox.
A pillow to help ease the pain
Image: Amazon
Since you won't be having sleepovers anymore, your spooning duties are officially over. Help your ex feel a little less lonely with the Original Boyfriend Pillow, which comes in four colors and is shaped like a torso. Finally, it won't be your arm that's going numb.
Another pillow option, but much less gimmicky
Image: Target
If you're not trying to completely embarrass them, you could go with a less obnoxious body pillow, like this hypoallergenic L-shaped one. It's much more tasteful, but can still let them feel like they have someone to cuddle.
Send a not-so-subtle message with Poo-Pourri
Image: Poo-Pourri
The reason your ex is about to be your ex may be that they truly think their shit doesn't stink. Let them know otherwise — literally — with a bottle of the infamous Poo-Pourri. Nothing says "You almost killed me, please do not let this happen in your next relationship" like a bottle of toilet spray air freshener for them to keep handy at all times.
For the guy who never cleans the sink (gross)
Image: firebox
If your man's scraggly beard or stubble hairs all over the sink is just one of the many things you can't stand about him, tell him "It's not me, it's you(r beard)," in the nicest way possible with the Beard Buddy. He had the chance to clean up his act and he wouldn't — so he has now lost his significant other. But at least he'll have a tidy bathroom.
CHOCOLATES
The perfect gift for someone who's just truly an asshole
As the old saying goes, life is like a box of chocolate butts. Delivered in a black, unsuspecting box, your soon-to-be ex will think they're just getting a classic set of candy, but they are about to be unpleasantly surprised. These edible anuses come in white, milk, and dark chocolate. Yum!
If your man a total tool
Let him know with these Belgian chocolates in the shape of tools, that are apparently really delicious. With your choice of a hammer, a spanner wrench, or a stilson wrench (whatever that is), we think he'll get the idea.
For the person who loves video games above all else — including you
Trust us: We love and appreciate video games here at Mashable — but if bae is constantly blowing you off or ignoring your texts to play video games, we call BS. Nothing says "Here, since you love video games sooooo much" like a video game controller made out of solid milk chocolate.
