Spanish newspaper slates Britons for being dirty alcoholics in ‘How to be British' guide

The astonishing attack in the ABC paper even calls us out for our love of wall-to-wall carpets, queuing and rhubarb pie.

It includes an inevitable dig about the quality of British food, complains about returning holidaymakers making fraudulent insurance claims and then accuses the Brits of exaggerating.

The paper claims its How to be British guide was published in response to an article in The Sunday Times called 'How to be Spanish' which branded the Spanish foul-mouthed, lazy, unpunctual, impolite and dirty.

Hitting back, the ABC editorial said: “Here we give a series of very diplomatic recommendations on how to become British in no time.

“First of all carpet your whole house because Great Britain can also be the promised land of mites.

“No matter if it's the living room, the staircase or the bathroom, the advantages are undeniable: you save a lot in cleaning without the need to use mop and bleach daily.”

The article then had the audacity to question British cleanliness.

It said: “Forget about hygiene if you want to be an Englishman because water is a scarce resource and you have to use it rationally. 

“A study by Euromonitor International points out that Britons are among the Europeans that take fewer weekly showers: the average does not reach four.” 

The paper then struck a few low blows with an outdated description of the Brits abroad.

It said: “In general, if you want to be British, go in the opposite direction of most humans, queue for everything even if you are the only one waiting, have dinner when it’s time to have a snack.

“If you eat out go to a foreign restaurant because it will be difficult to find a decent British one unless you love the local fish (improbable option) or its legendary rhubarb pie, with amazing laxative properties for untrained stomachs.

“When traveling abroad, if you want to be English, do not hesitate to include some white socks (one pair is more than enough) in the suitcase. 

“They will be essential for the sandals that you will use all the time. 

“When you reach your destination, and especially if you are young, devote 20 hours a day to the immoderate intake of alcohol and after a couple of street fights you can try balconying in the hotel. 

“Do not waste too much time in museums either. In the Prado Museum, for example, the British barely represent 0.35 percent of their visitors (Italians 9.71 percent and French 5.3 percent).

“Only one exception, the Ham Museum (Museo del Jamón). When you return home, go to an office that focuses on giving you some advice about reporting Spanish hotels for food poisoning. It is not necessary to suffer any harm, they arrange all the papers.”

And in its parting shot the paper suggests: “And exaggerate. Exaggerate a lot, even reaching sensationalism, another great British contribution to the world that.”

(Additional reporting by Maria Ortega.)