Ask Ann Cannon: Just when I thought Dad was out of my life, he showed up

Dear Ann Cannon • My parents separated 10 years ago and my dad remarried about a year after. I thought that my relationship with him would improve after my bio-mom was out of our lives. Most of our family issues, or so I thought, stemmed from my mom’s bipolar disorder. I was willing to forgive the abuse he allowed my mom to rain down on my siblings and me for their entire 43-year marriage.

I wanted a close relationship with my dad, and I asked him many times directly if he would be more involved in my life. He responded by visiting or calling every six to eight months. This went on for about three years. I finally asked him not to come by or call me. The lack of contact crushed me. He showed up just when I thought the wound had closed.

My dilemma is that I have moved my family across the country. I am sad that he doesn’t know where I’ve moved to. Should I bother reaching out to let him know? Do I want a relationship with someone who doesn’t really care where I am?

— Girl Without Parents

Dear Girl Without Parents • Your letter reminds readers of what all children want: parents who care and show that they care. Every child, no matter his or her age, deserves a loving mother and/or father.

Your letter also reminds us that life is profoundly unfair. We often don’t get the things we need, let alone want. I’m truly sorry that you’ve experienced so much pain through no fault of your own. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life story with us. Readers who find themselves in similar situations may feel less alone as a result.

OK. I can’t tell you how to feel or think. I can suggest, however, that you ask yourself a series of questions that may help you understand what it is you really want and what you can realistically expect.

You say your father showed up when you thought the wound he’d inflicted had closed. Did this happen more than once? In other words, did he repeatedly show up long enough to reopen wounds and then disappear on you again? If so, why? Or did he make an uncharacteristic appearance right before you and your family moved across the country? If the latter is true, did he express genuine sorrow for his behavior, as well as a sincere desire to change?

Some more questions to consider. You say you’re sad because “he doesn’t know where I’ve moved to.” Can you identify what else is behind your sadness? Are you sad because you think you’ve shut the door on a potential relationship with your father? Or is your sadness a “global” sadness — and by that I mean are you sad because of the entire disappointing history that you and your father have together?

Is your sadness triggered by guilt because you haven’t kept him in the loop? Should you feel guilty for failing to stay in touch with someone who hasn’t stayed in touch with you? What do you stand to gain by letting him know where you are?

Which brings us to this: What’s best for YOU and your own family right here, right now? Frankly, this is the most important question of all. You deserve happiness, so what healthy decisions can you make that will take you and your family in that direction? As you answer this question, think about what you can control and what you can’t control. (You’re right. You can’t control your father — or anybody else, for that matter. So don’t make your happiness contingent on another person’s actions.)

I know. I’ve lobbed a lot of questions into your court. Hopefully answering them for yourself will provide you with some clarity. Meanwhile, I’ll say this (and I fully acknowledge I could be wrong here): My gut tells me that unless your father reaches out to you first and in good faith, your relationship won’t change much. I understand that not knowing where you are complicates things for him if he decides to contact you. Still. If your father really wants to find you, he will.

Just like you have the option of finding him.

Wishing you the best.

Do you have a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.