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So, have you heard the latest threat to world survival?
Sammiches.
Yep, the humble sandwich is going to kill us all. And not like you would think at first. Nope it’s not fat, salt, cholesterol or calories that are gonna do us in. It’s global warming.
In the first study of its kind, the University of Manchester has “discovered” a link between sandwiches and global warming. It’s all in the carbon footprint, donchaknow? My first reaction was “GEEZ!” But that was quickly followed by a sense of relief. Since the University of Manchester is in jolly old England, at least taxpayers in this county didn’t have to pay for this sh… er… stuff.
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The eggheads carried out an in-depth “audit” of sandwiches and found out they could generate the equivalent yearly carbon emissions of 8.6 million cars in England alone. The study looked at the whole scope of sandwich “cycles.” I guess that means what it takes to raise the pigs for the ham and cheese sandwich and all those other fixins’ for its culinary cousins.
The study has caused quite the stir in Ye Olde Country. Everyone knows the Brits love their tea. And apparently cucumber sandwiches are a popular addition to crumpets when it comes tea time. And shoot, isn’t the Earl of Sandwich, an Englander, credited with inventing the sandwich in 1760-something?
Apparently ol’ Earl was too busy at the gambling table to get a bite to eat. So, he told his servants to slap a piece of meat between two slices of bread and voila!
I think these yahoos across the Big Pond need a good dressing down. I mean, they have put us in quite then pickle here. The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
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Why is it that we never find out bad tasting stuff is bad for us? I mean, I can live without rutabagas. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all if tofu was deemed Public Enemy Number One. But noooo, it always has to be bacon. Or doughnuts. Or beer.
In the spirit of civil disobedience, I think I’ll eat a few more sandwiches than usual over the next few weeks. I can kill two birds with one stone by making them steak sandwiches. See, it’s also the conventional wisdom that raising cattle contributes to global warming.
Beef bad, the nattering nabobs of negativity say.
That’s my new life’s mission. Ima gonna save the world. One delicious ribeye at a time.