Makeovers!
I mean "Ty-overs." I mean "trademark style."
Look, whatever is happening this week, it has to do with buzz cuts and hair extensions and tears. So many tears. I'm so in.
Tyra Banks lets each girl know, via video, what their fate will be. They're whisked off to a salon with what seems like only two employees for new looks that will either TAKE THEM TO THE NEXT LEVEL or RUIN THEIR LIVES.
Ivana is getting "Afro tightening" -- basically a trim -- and earns the award for most unnecessary tears of the episode. She's crying because her hair is too short. Nevermind that she's gorgeous.
I'm not mad at Christina's yellow highlighter hair. But that styling, child? It's like 24-hour diner after a night at the club. Why didn't Law Roach or Drew Elliott step in and say something?
Pro-Trump Liberty goes from blonde to red - and works it! - but not before some tears and hysterics.
Rio, already a strong contender, goes short and blonde. This is a lewk, ladies. Crazy Liz goes pink. And Coura gets "The Coura," which means she keeps her original look.
Brendi gets a buzz cut and somehow turns it into a huge issue because Drew called her "masculine" during panel? The week prior? And she complains about her masculine styling but works a masculine/androgynous vibe herself when she's not on set?
Look, I initially liked Brendi's scrappiness and unorthodox beauty. (That's such a Tyra phrase, right?) BUT.
Brendi argues with Highlighter Christina over throwing away trash at the model house. And Brendi gets into it backstage with Crazy Liz over something that isn't quite clear but has to do with a toe?
Liz who I would never want to get in a fight with, says she has to yell "like all your f***ing crazy ass family had to yell at you to, like, get you to shut the f*** up."
Taken separately, I would very much be Team Brendi in either of these situations. But together, along with her post-makeover attitude, it's all too much.
And then, of course, there's the topper.
Why is the K so important? There's no other Brendi here. It all seems even more trivial in contrast to Jeana, who has dealt with alopecia most of her life, which has made her hair fall out and forced her to wear wigs. Jeana is challenged by Tyra to go bald. It elicits a lot of raw emotion from everyone.
"I always hope that there's hair there but sometimes there's not," Jeana says before the stylist removes her wig.
It's jarring but absolutely elevates her look. Dammit, Tyra, for making me care about this show and all this ridiculousness AND YOU GO JEANA YOU GO AHEAD GIRL.
The girls show off their new looks during a video shoot with Director X, who has helmed music videos for Aaliyah, Rihanna, Fifth Harmony, Zayn and Kendrick Lamar. Respect.
Jeana looks incredible and gets a perfect setup - sci-fi pop super-nova-star. ALL THE YAAASSS.
Erin, who is in her 40s, constantly talks about "showing these young girls" but hasn't done much of it. Shanice says she's doing this for "the whole state of Tennessee." The Coura just looks The Crazy, like a "SNL" player impersonating a model.
Ivana says she looks up to Nomi Malone from "Showgirls" -- which probably explains why her performance is the equivalent of falling down a flight of stairs. I don't even know what she's doing but it's tough to watch. Serious cringe.
During panel, Jeana inspires the judges to "bare" themselves, too. For Drew, it means revealing the vitiligo that covers much of his face. Sure, this is exploitive in that oh-so-"ANTM" way. But it's also surprisingly touching.
Law reveals ... that without the wig and clothes ... he looks like Maxwell.
You're all beautiful, Tyra says, and now we're going to judge you against impossible standards and tell some of you that you're ugly and send someone home. Werk.
But can we stop for a minute and talk about why Khrystyana looks terrified and near tears during the entire panel? Every time they pan to her, she is in an absolute panic.
What is happening? Anyone? Is she touched by everyone's stories? Are her shoes too tight? Is it Law without a wig that's scaring her?
Newly redheaded Republican Liberty gets best photo, though it probably should have gone to Jeana.
Shanice and Ivana land in the bottom. Shanice has psoriasis, a skin condition that is frequently misunderstood, not contagious and exacerbated by stress. Tyra decides to nix Shanice's makeover as to not make it worse. Shanice is afraid this makes her look weak, so she of course decides to break down, which makes her seem even weaker.
But Ivana's lack of experience and self-doubt as a plus-size model prove to be her undoing. Ain't nobody got time for that.
'America's Next Top Model' airs at 7 p.m. Tuesdays on VH1. And Joey Guerra will be recapping episodes, while smizing, every week.