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Hot dogs and apple pie are among the most quintessential of American foods. Here are seven items and where best to find them. Wochit

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Minnesotans are not an overly optimistic people. 

I speak as an outsider, a native Chicagoan whose tribe has, historically, had no factual basis for the outrageous confidence they express in their sports teams.

(Case in point: Up until recently, we spent 100 years literally blaming a goat for our lack of a World Series win. And by "we," I mean them — North Siders, because White Sox for life.) 

Minnesotans, in general, are cautiously optimistic at best when it comes to their teams.

As Super Bowl LII approaches, I've heard much moaning and groaning about the history of Vikings football, and about sports heartbreak in general. Even if your team does make it to that all-important championship game, there's only a 50/50 shot that they'll win. If they don't, well ... that's a bummer. 

But humans, in our infinite tenacity and creativity, have created an incredible antidote to Sports-Induced Bummers. And that antidote, my friends, is food. 

Food! Glorious food, to quote everyone's second-favorite sad-orphan musical, "Oliver!," is the answer to your heart's most yearning question: What do I do after my team loses?

You eat. You drown your sorrows in a vat of Velveeta and ground beef cleverly disguised as queso fundido. You eat your weight in your wife's homemade brownies. You put away one too many bagel dogs, and then spend the rest of the evening feeling sick in more ways than one.

We're humans, and we're sports fans. It's just what we do. 

So if you're going to seek solace in the warm, slightly greasy arms of comfort food, we'll walk you through the stages of post-loss grief. 

Denial decadent chili: Calories don't count on game day ... right? 

The time on the clock has run out. The fans of your rival team are flooding the field/rink/what have you. Sports photographers are getting trampled, and somewhere, grown men are crying.

So no one would blame you if you turned to multiple gigantic bowls of that game-day favorite, chili, to fill the ever-growing feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. 

Whether piled high with shredded cheese and onions or served au naturale, a hearty bowl of chili is a calorie-bomb made for warmly embracing your sinking heart.

Don't have your own chili recipe? No worries.Local restaurants will have you covered. Hometown heroes like The White Horse (809 St. Germain Street), Jules' Bistro (921 St. Germain Street) and Dolsie's Lunch Box Grille (810 St. Germain Street), not to mention tons of other great spots, can help you hide your denial at the bottom of a chili bowl. 

Rage ribs: Angrily devouring hearty meats as therapy

The denial has been washed away on a spicy current of meat and beans, and now, you're angry. How dare your team let you down like this? Who do they think they are?

It's time to channel your rage into something productive, like tearing into a rack of ribs with your bare hands. It's cathartic, and tasty, and totally en vogue on a game day. 

You can hit up local rib joints like Smoke-In-D's BBQ (31 N. Benton Drive), The 400 Club (25958 Lake Road), or Anton's Restaurant (2001 Frontage Road N.) for their takes on the meaty classic, or make your own. 

The perfect barbecue sauce for ribs is, in my opinion, a tomato-based blend of sweet and savory, with a tinge of spice just for kicks. The best part? You can make it at home, from ingredients you probably already have in your pantry.

Simply boil down two cups of ketchup with to-your-tastes helpings of cider vinegar, brown sugar, yellow mustard and hot sauce — and don't forget the salt and pepper. Trial and error will ultimately result in a sauce perfect for you, and for licking off your fingers like the blood of your enemies. 

Bargaining brownies: OK, just one more, then I'll stop

Maybe next year, right, guys? Maybe this is the loss our team needed to really rev them up for next season. Maybe if we're really, really committed this year, things will look up. 

Aw, bargaining. It just doesn't work, especially when it comes to sports, and sweets.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every Big Dang Game party has some kind of sweets table, laden with bite-sized morsels of sugary goodness. Brownies, cookies, dessert bars, doughnut holes ... how could anyone resist? 

So you tell yourself you'll just have one. OK, maybe two. But at that point, what's a third? And suddenly, the plate is gone. 

Whoops. 

In the Times office, there seems to be a consensus about brownies as an ideal post-game blues treat, and nothing beats homemade. Of course, if you'd really rather not, there are ways to spruce up box mix brownies quickly, so you can get back to watching your team crush your heart into a million sprinkle-sized pieces: 

Depression dips: Drowning your sorrows in chips 'n dips 

Maybe it's the baker's dozen of brownies in your tummy, but you're not feeling so great. You're feeling a little ... sad, actually. This sucks! Is it even worth it to root for your team next year, if this is all that's waiting for you? 

When the Didn't Win Depression sets in, it's time to turn to that most tempting of foodie friends: chips and dip. 

This reliable snack combo is as versatile as it is omnipresent at every game-day shindig. Feeling like something smooth, rich and cheesy? Try queso dip, or spinach and artichoke dip warmed to perfection. What about something cool and chunky, with a touch of spice? Guacamole is your new BFF. Simple salsa not up to the task of lifting your gloomy mood? Try "cowboy caviar," a remix on salsa that has black beans, tomatoes, roasted corn and spicy peppers. 

The best part about chips and dip, though, is that you can mindlessly chow down on a metric ton of the stuff while weeping into your bowl.

Acceptance alcoholic hot chocolate

At last: acceptance. Your guests have gone home, the leftovers have been put away, the bad sitcoms that cycle after the game are playing in the background. It's over. 

Now is the time to cuddle up on the couch with a sympathetic partner and indulge in something (We know, we know — like you haven't been indulging the whole night through) deeply satisfying, chocolatey, and boozy.

What? It'll help you sleep! (Or at least, that's what we're going to tell ourselves.) 

Alcoholic hot chocolate is the cure to what ails you. It is simultaneously nostalgic (Who didn't love a winter night with a cup of from-a-paper-packet hot chocolate when they were kids?) and adult (hel-lo, vodka). 

There are tons of ways to enrich your hot chocolate, varying from sweet options like vanilla vodka, Kahlua, or whipped cream-flavored vodka, to somewhat more potent additions, like dark rum or bourbon.

Our top pick? Irish cream. Add it to your hot chocolate for a pitch-perfect blend of wintery flavors, comforting chocolate, and a warming buzz. 

It'll tide you over until next season, champ. We'll get 'em then. 

Follow Alyssa on Twitter: @sctimesalyssa, email her at azaczek@stcloudtimes.com, or call her at (320) 255-8761.

 

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