A Trump-Size Hole in Our Relationship

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This must be what it feels like to be the victim of a random attack: shock, disbelief, disorientation, confusion, distress. But I’m aware that I was not a target. I’m just in the wrong time in America.

This president has disrupted my life — professionally and personally.

Professionally, after more than 30 years in the Foreign Service, rising to serve as an ambassador, I found myself working for someone who appeared not to understand or value the importance of diplomacy as an effective means of reducing violence in the world.

I saw colleagues ignored and denied assignments that would utilize their expertise. I saw colleague after colleague resign or retire early. Then in August, my dream assignment in the Office of Global Women’s Issues was withdrawn less than a week before my start date, and I was told, “We don’t want leadership for that office.” The role remains unfilled.

It has always been a struggle for minorities and women to reach our full potential in the white-male-dominated world of diplomacy. The State Department has long struggled to reflect “looking like America” among our senior officer corps, and under this president the refusal to utilize the talent, experience and passion of so many people dedicated to serving our nation was heartbreaking.

In August, President Trump’s secretary of state spoke about the department’s recruitment and diversity efforts — and shortcomings. “Every time we have an opening for an ambassador position, at least one of the candidates must be a minority candidate,” he said. “Now, they may not be ready, but we will know where the talent pool is.”

He in essence announced that minority candidates for top assignments wouldn’t have to meet the same standards of skill or expertise. Those of us up for such posts were appalled. Who wants to be tagged as one of the “may not be ready” ambassadors?

And so, because I didn’t feel I could make a difference at the State Department, I decided to join the large number of my valued colleagues who left. I returned home to Cleveland, where I’ve been volunteering as a mentor and career counselor while deciding on my next move.

The values I shared and stood for overseas — fighting for the underdog, a fair shake for everyone, community action, integrity and tolerance — still have my focus and support, but now here, in this country.

At home, however, the president has seriously disrupted my personal life. I learned shortly before the election that the woman nearest and dearest to me in life is a Trump supporter. The situation is so divisive that I cannot name her here.

I knew that families were being split and friendships were ending over Donald Trump’s vision of America. I understood that the easiest way to maintain our relationship would be to avoid any discussion of politics. But I could not.

I was driven by two conflicting needs: One, to understand how someone who I knew to epitomize integrity, nation before self and commitment to public service could support this president. Two, to ensure she stayed informed so that she did not spend one single day feeling good about her choice. I opened all our conversations with that reminder as a joke — but I wasn’t kidding. So I showered her with negative articles and invited her to send me positive ones. And we talked.

We talked by phone, and sometimes in person. Once, early on, we almost got thrown out of one of my favorite restaurants during a live and loud debate. But neither of us wanted to sever the relationship. So while we took some not-always-gentle abuse from each other, we mostly talked by text and email, which allowed for pauses between heated exchanges and timely silences.

We each called truces and timeouts at various times, and we each respected the other’s need for a break.

But we talked and kept talking. In the spring, she texted me to talk about Representative Devin Nunes discussing surveillance information on Russia and to argue that the president was getting a bum rap, while I insisted that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

We went at it for a few days over that and over the firings of several career officials, which left us exhausted with each other. After a few days of silence, we picked back up:

HER Hello? Are you there? What are your thoughts on “Obama NSA illegally surveilled Americans for years”? I do not contend that two wrongs make a right, but I do say there’s no new behavior and the swamp is there to be dealt with.

ME Terrible! But that started with Bush. Shame on O for not stopping it before we got caught. So are you a Snowden fan for outing that?

HER Nope. I say beating up the new guy is a waste of time and energy that could be used to solve real problems like the ones you talk about.

A few days later, we kept the conversation going, with her arguing that the president was subject to excessive scrutiny.

HER He is not the first to have bad form. Sadly the powers that be overturn every rock, scab, and snicker he makes to make him seem worse. Not even Obama could withstand such scrutiny. All the time! For months at a time. That was his job as a businessman. WTH?! He made money. Why hate on that? He wasn’t Madoff!

ME Obama HAD such scrutiny ALL THE TIME. You’re in some alternate reality now if you’re suggesting otherwise. His birth certificate, his fist bump with his wife, his tan suit, his salute with coffee in his hand, his golfing, his wife not covering her head in Saudi. Then more criticism when she did cover it in a mosque (protocol like meeting the pope), her shorts, their daughters’ expressions and skirt lengths, his bowing to Saudis and I could go on!

Many times she urged me to calm myself, ignore the words and focus on the policies. In the summer, after John Kelly was appointed as the chief of staff, I wrote to ask what she thought of him and whether he would be able to manage a boss who seemed to prefer chaos and infighting. Her response: “Dunno.” That wasn’t quite good enough for me. I responded:

“You don’t know your own reaction? None of us know how it will turn out of course. Are you on tranquilizers or anything? I know it’s been a year of change for you.” Luckily, I got an “LOL” back.

In August, we were discussing a friendship that had been under strain because of her vote and support for the president. I tried to explain how it looked to me — and perhaps to her friend. To many people, this president’s sloppy speech about nuclear weapons, his failure to promptly condemn violence by white supremacists, his lack of ethics and so on was particularly troubling. Supporting him meant condoning that. “I thought them mostly angry and misguided,” I wrote. “You knew you were among the reviled.”

She wrote back, in defense:

“It means I thought (think) he has the right idea. I believe Congress could implement his ideas humanely — his articulation is lacking. He is not a one-man show. I want him to do the job. I pray, every day, that God gives those around him the strength to DO SOMETHING for the people they’re here to support. Just talking about his slips and bravado helps no one!”

ME But they’re more than slips and bravado. They are the utterances of the most powerful man in the world.

HER People are in a strange state these days. The misery factor is huge! They do things to make him look even worse than he makes himself. I give him credit each day he doesn’t say “forget this!” I want him to listen to somebody he has advising him. I want Congress to enact laws that will help the country.

Over the course of the past year, we exchanged views every few days on the political happenings in this country. Truces were called for birthdays, holidays and joint vacations. Things were too tense to spend Thanksgiving together, and we weren’t in the same place for Christmas.

We didn’t just talk about politics. We kept talking about children, husbands, our brothers, my next professional step, books, favorite TV shows and movies. My husband shushed me from time to time, and her husband cautioned her about taking a trip with me, but we kept talking. We have the advantage of shared experiences, love and familiarity, so there’s no room to demonize the “other.”

I know she’s an amazing woman who is knowledgeable and thoughtful. I have to do the work to understand her views, to share mine and to keep our relationship strong.

The president doesn’t seem to mind a divided America, but neither of us agrees with him on that one.