That season when Shakespeare froze his quill off

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Most Louisianan’s don’t have sleds so we have to get creative when it does snow! (Henrietta Wildsmith/The Times)

Is it just me or are we both convinced that north Louisiana winter weather is on meth?

Somebody needs to arrest north Louisiana weather!

As my dear friend and retired Louisiana Tech trainer, Houston Astro organization equipment manager, and Fair Park All-State first-sacker Sam Wilkinson often says, “This is one of those days when you can tell where your underwear stops.” He said that Tuesday. When it was 12. Degrees.

But because the weather is on meth, and because the weather here has no business pretending it’s Aspen, Colorado, of course it didn’t stay that way. Although it never should have been that low in the first place.

“This is your weather on drugs…”

Like our parents have always told us, “Nothing good can happen after 12.”

They meant midnight. When it comes to the weather, same difference.

12 degrees and snow on Tuesday. “Watch for polar bears crossing.” Then Saturday, a high of 65 and everybody’s out hitting golf balls and riding their bicycles.

What? The whole system’s breaking down.

12 degrees on a weekday and 65 on the weekend? That’s not a forecast. That’s a divine joke or a Vaudeville punchline. And a recipe for How To Catch A Cold In Five Days. Starring Matthew McConaughey and — Shelley Winters?

Or maybe it is a forecast after all — but for two different parts of the country. Like the north part and the south part.

12 Tuesday. Around 70 Saturday.

Well all right, sir.

Must have been a cold one back in 1554, give or take, when William Shakespeare wrote about the “winter of our discontent,” a plea to Richard III to do what Richard I and Richard II did not have enough vowels after their name to do for merry ol’ England, I suspect, which is to get a chicken in every pot, an Eddie Bauer coat on every back — thermal, not fleece, if you don’t mind — and either win the War of the Roses or get off the pot. Oh, and turn up the thermostat about 50 degrees, because we know it’s England and we’re used to being cold, but it’s freezing in here, for the love of Mary, Queen of Hots.

Where’s Mary when we need her?

If Billy Shakes were with us today, he would realize how good he had it. Sure, on average, it’s colder in England than it is in Louisiana. Same then as it is now. But everything’s relative. Even The Weather Channel came to Shreveport and reported live! About snow! In north Louisiana! I don’t usually type in exclamation points but these seem to be desperate times. This is on par with photographing Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster dining together at a DQ. Did The Weather Channel show up on the banks of the frigid Thames for “Winter of Our Discontent” or the sequel, “Winter — and Still Discontented, Only More Than Before”?

Negative. National television comes to Louisiana for hurricanes and riots and crime and political shenanigans, not for snow. That’s how unusual this record-setting cold week that you just suffered through has been.

In short, this winter you’ve experienced what life would be like as a Human Dilly Bar or a dipped cone. Let’s count our blessings.

Contact Teddy (he’ll write back) at teddy@latech.edu