As a school counselor, I often field questions from parents whose children are struggling academically or behaviorally. Should they consult a professional, or give it time? How can they know if their expectations are realistic? Would a diagnosis kill their child's self-esteem? 

Bob Cunningham, head of the private Robert Louis Stevenson School in Manhattan, advises parents to trust their instincts and take action when their children's grades decline, their behavior changes, they resist going to school or their friends start ditching them.

"Don't let small slips add up to big problems," he says.

• Treat kids as experts in their lives — but partner with others. 

Keep a log and talk to other adults in your child's life to identify patterns. Parents might discover that symptoms change depending on the class, says Melanie Auerbach, director of student support at Sheridan School in the District of Columbia.

"If the teacher is highly distractible and the student likes to rap his desk with his knuckles, that's not going to be a good combination," she says. "Testing makes sense when there's been a persistent and chronic issue across settings, as opposed to situational behavior."

• Partner with the school. 

Be deliberate in how you communicate. Don't fire off accusations or present a list of demands. Ann Dolin, founder of Educational Connections Tutoring in Fairfax, Virginia, suggests that parents use the words "I've noticed" instead of "you." As in, "I've noticed that even with my help, Jimmy is spending two hours on Spanish homework." 

Chris Nardi, principal of the Thomas W. Pyle Middle School in Montgomery County, Maryland, tells parents and educators to pick up the phone or meet in person whenever an email exceeds a paragraph.

• Identify the right issues. 

The root of the problem isn't always obvious. Parents might think their child is anxious because math is a struggle, but math may be hard because of anxiety. 

The right strategies and interventions will vary by child and change over time. Ella Tager, a seventh-grader diagnosed with dyslexia, notes that she has symptoms typical of attention-deficit disorder.

"Sometimes I need to move to process the frustration of not knowing what's going on," she explains. "It gives me time to get unstuck."

• Don't ignore the social sphere. 

"If your child has poor impulse control and says whatever is on his mind, it doesn't take much to imagine the social implications," Cunningham says. Professionals often emphasize the importance of having one or two close friends, but that may be a mistake for kids with difficulties.

"Deep friendship can be hard for the target friend," Cunningham says. "A lot of kids with social issues will have significantly improved lives if the goal is more comfortable interactions with a broader range of classmates or teammates."

• Change what you do first. 

Parents need to think about what they can do for their children who are struggling.

"If your child isn't getting to school on time, you might have to get up earlier, or check that your child is in the shower before you start making lunches," Cunningham says. "You need to offer more scaffolding."