With the new year, many people have goal setting on their minds. This year, let’s make one of our goals to help our kids become better communicators, especially when it concerns conflict resolution.
Have you ever been in an argument and still felt unfulfilled even after the other person said they were sorry? It usually happens when the apology doesn’t seem authentic.
What does a satisfying apology look like?
First, and maybe most important, a true apology agrees that something went wrong. How can someone really be sorry if they don’t believe they did anything wrong? That doesn’t mean they have to cop to something they didn’t do but, if they are going to apologize at all, it should start with an acknowledgement of anything they are willing to own.
Next, they need to accept full responsibility for their mistake. Some apologies subtly place blame like this: “Well, I’m sorry that YOU felt hurt,” as though it was your fault for being upset. An authentic apology spells out the mistake and acknowledges that it was wrong. “I’m sorry that I raised my voice. I was angry and I lost control of my temper and that was wrong.”
An authentic apology asks for forgiveness. It is humbling to ask, “Will you please forgive me,” but it also invites the other person into the resolution process.
Next, a true apology does some self-examination. It’s hard to keep forgiving the same mistake again and again. After a while, we begin to think that if the person was really sorry, they would change their behavior.
Last of all, an authentic apology gives the other person some time and space. Hurt feelings can throb and sting even after the most heartfelt apology. When we are truly sorry, we are willing to give the other person a moment to adjust.
The person receiving the apology has a responsibility too. We can’t overlook teaching our kids how to forgive. Sure, they can take a little time to calm down and feel peaceful again. But once that happens, they have to respond to the person who apologized.
It is important to teach our kids to say the words, “I forgive you.” Don’t let them say, “It’s okay” when someone hurts them. It is not okay but they can still forgive.
Forgiveness means they let the other person off the hook. We all know what it feels like to make a mistake and want to be released from it. When we forgive someone, we are saying that we will not walk away and continue to think negative thoughts about the person. We also won’t talk to other people about what happened and we won’t hold their mistake against them in the future. Once we forgive, we are agreeing to let it go and allow true peace to thrive.
How much more peaceful would our world be if we could help our children learn how to give and receive authentic apologies and true forgiveness?
Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman are mothers with nine children between them, from an attorney to a pre-schooler, and one on the autism spectrum. Together they host a nationally syndicated radio show, “POP Parenting.” They are also freelance writers and international speakers. Get more information on their website, jenniandjody.com.