The ugly side of high school sports is often brushed under the rug or dealt with in a behind-the-scenes manner, but a recent incident involving a disgruntled parent and a former coach made headlines.
Tom Henrickson, who coached the St. Peter-Marian football team from 2009 to 2016, leading the Guardians to a pair of Central Mass. finals, said he was forced to defend himself when the father of a former player allegedly assaulted him inside a Worcester grocery store on Dec. 23.
On Dec. 26, Henrickson described the verbal and physical confrontation to Judge Mark Goldstein in Central District Court,who issued a harassment order, which requires the parent to stay at least 100 yards away from Henrickson, his home and workplace.
Sadly, theses types of altercations, while rare, are not uncommon.
In a Telegram & Gazette survey of 369 Central Mass. head coaches, 40.2 percent said they have been threatened verbally by a parent, while 8.7 percent said they have been threatened physically. While 88.6 percent of the coaches said their school administrators support them in conflicts with parents, 60.1 percent said dealing with parents has gotten worse since they began coaching and 35.5 percent said they have quit or considered quitting coaches because of parents.
There are many reasons for parental misconduct, but 77.2 percent of the coaches surveyed said the growth of youth AAU and travel teams — expensive, often for-profit alternatives to town-based recreational sports — has made the situation worse.
"It has made many parents believe their kid is a superstar and should either play more and be more involved than their current role is on the team," said Ryan Renauld, who coaches soccer, basketball and softball at Bartlett.
The Massachusetts Interscholastic Athletic Association, which governs high school sports in the state, acknowledges coach-parent relationships can often spiral out of control and recommends all athletic directors meet regularly with parents to explain the expectations of sportsmanship.
Most schools follow this recommendation.
The MIAA also provides schools with annual training and form letters, outlining "sportsmanship goals," that may be given to the parents of every athlete. Among these goals are “to respect the task our coaches face as teachers, and to support them as they strive to educate our youth.”
Most parents respect their son or daughter's coach, but some do not.
While confrontations, such as the one described by Henrickson, are rarely reported in the media — unless legal action is taken and they become public record — stories involving overly aggressive parents are often shared between coaches, principals and athletic directors.
Reward turns ugly
Earlier in his career, current Notre Dame Academy girls' basketball coach Peter Bogren said he was accosted by an angry father after Bogren rewarded a senior, who seldom played, with a start near the end of the regular season. Since his team had already wrapped up a high seed in the Central Mass. playoffs, Bogren thought it was the right thing to do.
But for the first time in his career, Bogren said he feared for his safety after he was cornered and threatened by the parent. The confrontation was so loud, he said, it caught the attention of the host school’s athletic director, who immediately placed a call to Bogren’s athletic director.
“That was the one time in my career that I’ve been scared as a result of something that happened with a parent,” Bogren said. “I’ve never worried about taking care of myself, but I thought things were close to getting really interesting."
“My (athletic director) told me about what he had heard happened at the game, and the next game, he wouldn't let me go anywhere in the building without him being by my side because he really felt that this parent was capable of taking things to a physical level.”
Bogren said he hasn't had an interaction of that magnitude since, but has had to have occasional conversations with parents regarding boundaries.
“I do understand, for the most part, why it happens,” Bogren said. “As a parent, you don’t want to see your kid hurt or be treated in a way that, from your perspective, seems unfair.”
Angry text message
Maynard football coach Harold Ogilvie previously coached the sport at Ayer-Shirley, West Boylston and Valley Tech, in addition to baseball at South High.
He recalled receiving a lengthy, anger-fueled text message in which a parent accused Ogilvie of favoritism and permitting one group of players to bully another.
The parent referred to Ogilvie and some of his players “thugs” before concluding the rant by implying that the parent would influence a group of players to quit the team.
“You hear a lot from other coaches and we trade stories about helicopter parents or the ‘Little League terror parents,’ and I’d bet all coaches experience some type of trouble with a parent,” Ogilvie said. “It’s terrifying as a coach. I’ve never had it come to the point where I fear for my safety or the safety of my family, but you worry about someone making accusations with an ulterior motive.
“It’s an uneasy feeling to know a coach who would do anything for any one of his players — outside of sports — can be targeted and taken out by a parent with an agenda.”
Coach-parent contracts
While the MIAA recommends providing parents with sportsmanship goals, many schools and teams have introduced coach-parent contracts, which are often reviewed and signed by parents before the start of a season. These agreements put in writing behavioral expectations and outline ways parents are allowed to communicate with coaches.
Ogilvie uses a version of the contract given to him by T.J. Raeke, the former Uxbridge football coach who is now the defensive coordinator at Marlboro, and David Tinglof, who last fall led Westboro High to its first playoff berth in years.
Ogilvie has passed along the document to other coaches, most recently to Bryan Anderson, who will begin his first season as Grafton High’s baseball coach in the spring.
“We go over the expectations and protocol with our kids and parents,” Ogilvie said. “As far as communication goes, for me, personally, I’m happy to talk with a parent, but I want them to go through my (athletic director) first to get a background on the issue. I’ll never meet one-on-one with a parent. It’s a ‘he said-she said’ risk and I prefer the extra step of having a meeting with a school administrator in the room.”
'Just wasn't worth it'
Mike Dube began coaching basketball in 1994 but resigned as West Boylston girls' basketball coach in 2016 after three seasons and a pair of incidents involving parents.
After one game, Dube said he was followed by a father of a player to the team bus, where he was screamed at and aggressively grabbed on the arm by the father, who was upset over what he believed was a lack of playing time afforded his daughter.
In a separate incident, at another school, Dube said a parent who felt he was pushing a player too hard told the coach he would “kick (Dube’s) ass” should the two run into each other away from the basketball court. Dube said the threat was made from the bleachers and overheard by Dube’s wife and daughter, who were sitting nearby.
A fellow coach also heard the threat and urged Dube to report it to school administration and police.
“I ended up getting out of coaching because of the parents,” said Dube, who led West Boylston deep into the Central Mass. playoffs. “The last incident was it for me. I had enough. Not that any of us are in it for the money, but it got to the point where it just wasn't worth it.”
Dube’s son played basketball at Monty Tech, so the elder Dube has a dual perspective on the sometimes tenuous parent-coach relationship.
“I’m a parent first and, of course, there were times when I second-guessed the coaching, but ultimately I kept quiet and watched, knowing it wasn't my place to offer an opinion,” Dube said.
Legends not immune
Other coaches says they have also received threats of violence, including former Nashoba and Assabet wrestling coach Matt Schiller, who was once publicly asked by the father unhappy with the coach’s practice style to “step outside and settle this the old-school way.”
On-the-field success does not immunize a coach against parent hostility.
Bromfield soccer coach Tom Hill, a legend in his sport who gained national accolades during his 41-year career that ended last fall, was not shy about his feelings toward parent interference.
“The great majority of parents have been tremendous and many of them are some of my close friends today,” said Hill, who won 20 Central Mass. championships and nine state titles. “The issues almost always arise over playing time. Most times, the parents don't understand that we, as coaches, are objective. We want to put the best players on the field to win.”
In his early years, Hill said angry parents would contact him directly, but later in his career parents would often work behind the scenes without his knowledge.
“In my younger days, I admit that I was loud and obnoxious and deserved to be criticized,” Hill said. “Back then, the parents would request a meeting and we’d address the issue. Most times, I realized I could and should make some positive changes, and we moved on.
“That doesn't happen anymore. The parents run the show, and what irks me is that they’ll go right over your head to the athletic director, the principal or the superintendent, so you’re blindsided by the time you learn of the issue. Parents can be backstabbing snakes.”
Hill believes parent behavior is an issue that needs to be addressed.
"It will drive some really good people out of coaching,” he said.
Open communication
Like most schools, Shepherd Hill Regional attempts to avoid confrontations by dedicating time for coaches and parents to meet as a group, both small and large, to create a dialogue about what is expected from all involved — players, coaches and parents.
First-year boys’ basketball coach Mike Byrnes hasn’t had any issues in his short time at Shepherd Hill, but as the owner and director of the Central Mass. Swarm AAU program, he has seen — more times than he can count — deplorable parent behavior.
“I’ve seen parents come out onto the court and challenge referees to fights, and I’ve seen parents threaten coaches and each other with physical violence,” Byrnes said. “It’s disturbing.”
That background has led Byrnes to take pre-emptive steps with parents of his high school players.
“I send out a weekly newsletter to parents about things that are going on with the program, but also will include examples of some of the poor behavior that I witness, just so they can get an understanding of how embarrassing it is for everyone involved and maybe be deterred from doing something similar.”
Talk to player first
Byrnes echoed the thoughts of many area coaches who believe an unhappy parent should first talk to his or her son or daughter, the player.
“The first thing I would encourage parents in my program or any program to do is have a conversation with your child before jumping to immediately contact the coach or an administrator,” Byrnes said. “The kids know. When (conflict) is about playing time — and it usually will be — the kids know that the reason they’re not playing as much as they would like is simply because they’re not as good as the players in front of them. Many of these confrontations could be avoided if parents have an honest discussion with their children first.”
Byrnes also instituted a 24-hour rule for parents.
“I’m a personable guy who likes to have face-to-face conversations about anything,” he said. “After a game, I think it’s best for everyone to take 24 hours to cool off and really think through what should and will be discussed. I’m more than willing to have those conversations, but not immediately after a game.”
Starts before the season
Tom O’Neil has made several stops during his 15-year career as a basketball and volleyball coach, including Doherty, Wachusett and Tantasqua, where he now coaches the boys’ basketball team.
Tantasqua, O’Neil said, also puts together meetings for coaches and parents before the start of a season.
O’Neil has interacted with his share of unhappy parents through the years. One that has stays with O’Neil occurred when he was publicly berated by a player’s mother after benching the player for what O’Neil described as inappropriate on-court behavior. The mother’s vulgar verbal onslaught stopped only when another coach intervened.
“I have read some of the awful things written about me (in parent emails) because a parent was frustrated about my style or decision making, and at times it’s very discouraging,” O’Neil said. “And it’s hard to look at parents the same way when to your face they are smiling and complimenting you, but behind your back they are crucifying you. It’s made me seriously reconsider coaching because the last thing I would want is for my sons to ever read what some of these people have written about me and my character in their anger (and) frustration over a sport.”
It's not all bad
While unacceptable parent behavior is an issue, many coaches asked to share their experiences say they have never experienced the negative side of the parent-coach dynamic.
Mike Pucko, who guided football teams at Holy Name High and West Boylston, is one of the area’s most respected coaches, often advocating for his players and opposing players to college coaches.
Despite pushing his almost-always undermanned teams to achieve heightened levels of physical and mental toughness, and being known for his no-nonsense approach, Pucko said he's never had a serious issue with a parent.
In Gardner, a city with a proud football tradition but has suffered through some lean years, parents have not been a problem lately.
“The parents are the backbone of the organization,” said Gardner coach Rob Allard, who praised his parent group for its support during the rebuilding process. “Every parent wants their kid to be the stud, but in reality, it doesn’t happen the way the parent wants it to. It may, but it’s highly unlikely. Ultimately, the parent has to relinquish their trust to the coach.”