Matt Patricia, please come to Detroit.

As New England's defensive coordinator and part-time Tampa Bay Buccaneers mascot, you're the belle of the ball during this year's NFL hiring season. You're believed to be the Lions' top choice as their new head coach. But you reportedly prefer the New York Giants job.

I'm here to tell you that's a big mistake. I'm here to explain why coming to Detroit would be much better for you than going to New York.

Sure, New York is one of the world's best cities with everything you could ever want. And sure, the Giants are consistent winners and recent champions. And yes, you would have the No. 2 overall pick in the NFL draft. And – wait a minute, New York's sounding pretty good.

OK, how about we start over?

Let me show you a list that compares what New York and Detroit have to offer in various categories. I think this will make it pretty clear which city you want to choose.

Football

New York: The Maras are one of the most established, respected and successful owners in the NFL.

Detroit: The Fords hired Matt Millen, who had no experience. He hired Rod Marinelli, who had no clue.

New York: No matter how good you are, you'll never be Bill Parcells or even Tom Coughlin.

Detroit: No one can name the last coach to win a division title, let alone a championship. If you win a wild-card playoff game, the city will erect a statue of you and create a holiday in your honor.

New York: You'll have to contend with the ego and manipulative nature of quarterback Eli Manning, who engineered his way out of playing for the San Diego Chargers.

Detroit: Quarterback Matthew Stafford will be a great help. After all, he already has preselected your offensive coordinator for you.

Food

New York: It's known as one of the best places in the world for international cuisine.

Detroit: If you drive to Windsor, you can get a lobster roll at McDonald's.

Vernacular

New York: The people there have odd accents and colloquialisms. You're liable to hear a Noo Yawka say, "I schlepped to da bodega so I could get a slice and a bagel with schmear."

Detroit: We don't heeyav much of an yacksent or strange sayings. At least that's what my friend who works at Fords told me after he opened the door wall, saw ice on his ruff, then went to buy some salt at Krogers after he made a Michigan left near the party store.

Media

New York: There's white-hot, intense scrutiny all the time from the city's 300 newspapers, 80 radio sports stations and 60 TV stations.

Detroit: We have the Dungeon of Doom. But I promise you every media member will be as nice to you as I am.

Clothing and style

New York: I can only assume you're going for a pirate-meets-trucker look. In New York, this look wouldn't get you into White Castle.

Detroit: You would be considered one of the better-dressed men in our state.

Entertainment

New York: They have "Hamilton" on Broadway.

Detroit: We have nightly rap battles in bling pigs on 8 Mile.

Landmarks

New York: They have the Statue of Liberty.

Detroit: We have the Spirit of Detroit, which looks like Bobby Layne about to smite Lions fans with ball of fire for all of eternity in retaliation for the team trading him.

New York: They have Ellis Island.

Detroit: We have Zug Island.

Economy

New York: They have Wall Street and are considered one of the financial capitals of the world.

Detroit: We have Dan Gilbert.

Obviously, it's very clear which city is the better city, Matt. I know you'll make the right choice.

Oh, hang on. I'm told the Giants actually practice and play in East Rutherford, N.J. That changes everything. Go ahead and take the Giants job.