ARIES

Do you believe in life after love? I really don't think you're strong enough.

TAURUS

I'd like you to grow apple trees and honey bees. Help me, please.

GEMINI

You have this week to decide where you want to keep that Genie. Or no more wishes.

CANCER

You can't fit a square peg in a round hole, and you can't make "Kenya" rhyme with "Pipeline."

LEO

Search the internet for a sandwich that has 9 different flavours. Feed your cat.

VIRGO

Two dogs will bite you if you mention the word “vigorous” in your status update.

LIBRA

It's too bad. It's stupid. Too late. So wrong. So long. Let's walk. Let's talk.

SCORPIO

Singing "What is love?" is as useless as saying "Baby, don't hurt me."

SAGITTARIUS

There's nothing worse than a suburban emo girl calling another person clay pottery.

CAPRICORN

At the age of 62, you will name both your kidneys “Adultneys.”

AQUARIUS

Three little pigs went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. How many came down with a fever?

PISCES

If you can read this, you are a reader. If you're a house elf, you're a Dobby reader.