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A close friend and I have this agreement: If one of us ever recognizes the other person’s “thing,” we’re bound to disclose what it is, no matter what.
But what is a person’s “thing,” exactly?
It’s that particular behavior, habit or mind-set that is self-destructive but that we’re completely blind to. Personally, professionally or otherwise, it’s something that’s holding us back from achieving our full potential, but for whatever reason, we simply can’t see it ourselves. (This piece from The Hairpin perfectly sums up having a “thing” and being told about it.)
That level of self-awareness is quite elusive: Although some 95 percent of people think they’re self-aware, only about 10 percent to 15 percent truly are, according to one study.
There are lots of reasons that humans are bad at this, but a lot of it has to do with our brains sometimes just not being very trustworthy. We distort or create memories that support a particular viewpoint or story line; we overestimate our own strengths; we believe self-reinforcing things despite contradictory evidence; and much more, according to Psychology Today.
Continue reading the main storyGetting around those blocks isn’t easy, but it’s achievable and well worth the effort: People with high self-awareness have stronger relationships, perform better at work and are more creative. All it takes is some genuine, realistic introspection and self-examination — but only if you do it right.
The secret? When you’re looking inward, don’t ask yourself “Why?” Ask yourself “What?”
This little word-swap is a concept explored by the organizational psychologist Dr. Tasha Eurich, who found that the most self-aware people are those whose introspective thinking centers on questions of what rather than why. But, uh, why is that?
Studies have shown that asking ourselves why when introspecting can cause us to ruminate on negative feelings and emotions to the point where we fill in blanks with reasoning that can lead us away from true insight. But when we ask ourselves those what questions, we can better “stay objective, future-focused and empowered to act on our new insights,” Eurich writes.
For example, when you’re thinking of a situation that caused you to feel bad at work, you might ask yourself, Why do I feel so terrible?
A better way to approach that situation would be to ask yourself, What are the situations that make me feel terrible, and what do they have in common?
So the next time you’re trying to figure out your “thing,” don’t ask why, ask what. (Or just ask a brutally honest friend. You’ll both be better for it.)
What’s your “thing”? I want to know! Let me know at tim@nytimes.com or on Twitter @timherrera.
Have a great week!
— Tim
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