You set the coffee cup down on the table and look up at your boss. He wants you to file a  social media report by Friday, and you already told him you have a  big conflict.

How do you react?

For most of us, there are two choices. You smile and say "sure"--but that makes you feel like a pushover. The second option is to object, but that makes you seem like you're a little grouchy. You want to have a can-do attitude about work, but maybe 2017 wasn't exactly a shining example of finding a balance between accepting every dictum from on high and coming across as rude, difficult, or just slightly coffee-deprived in these situations.

I can relate.

In an office setting, it can be hard to figure out when you should go along with a plan or do exactly what you've been told versus raising some ire here and there. If you do decide to go the pushover route, I feel your pain. I hate the feeling of doing things because someone told me to do them without ever asking any questions. Yet, I'm also guilty of acting like a curmudgeon, someone who reacts with a twist in my jaw first and a "no" on my lips.

We learn these lessons growing up in a family.

"Take out the garbage" and "Wash the dishes" seem like less than optional directives. I'm the worst example of learning how to react as a teenager, because I relied mostly on sarcasm. "Sure--let me get that done right away" was my answer when my parents asked me to do something, but I had such a thin layer of sarcasm that barely anyone noticed.

So what do you do?

Here's something to try. It's worked for me, and I'm still perfecting the technique. The one big tip when you have any conflict, when the boss makes a demand, or when someone on your team asks you to get something done is to simply take a pause and think about the why. This teaches you to have empathy. You've been asked to do something. Why is this important? What's the underlying motivation? What does the person get out of this?

The reason this helps--the reason having empathy for the person asking actually works--is that it can often determine how you should respond. There's a side benefit here in that you also practice the art of thinking about what the other person really wants rather than whether the ask is going to ruin your day or inconvenience you in some way. 

I love this method because it helps me think about the priority. 

Let's go back to that social media report. OK, you let the boss know you have a conflict. He's asking you anyway. Why is that? In the space of a few seconds (or much longer if you received an email, a Slack message, or a text) you can evaluate how important it is and how much of an impact it will have on the person asking if you say no. More than anything, it's away to temper your reaction. The problem with being a pushover is that you respond too quickly with a yes. The problem with being a grouch is that you respond too fast with an angry look or come across as rude, which hurts the team.

That pause is pure gold. It means you can adjust your response. You can reason with yourself. Note that I'm not saying you should doubt the request or always ask why. I'm saying you can evaluate the reason yourself and then give a measured, reasonable response. The social media report is important because the followers counts have been down and the whole team has been talking about the problem. OK, do it. Or--the boss is just nervous and doesn't think you're doing enough work. Try saying you can do it later next week and list all of the tasks you're doing to show you are really busy doing awesome work. Adjust the response for the situation. Don't respond and then think.

The pause is also a way to give yourself a quick pep talk. Are you going to complete the task? Is it in your wheelhouse? How busy are you really? Pausing and then answering helps you develop the habit of responding carefully, wisely, confidentially.

Will you try it for a week?

I'm really curious if you take a moment and evaluate things if suddenly stop feeling like you do whatever you're asked or if you respond in a kinder way. You will know by the reaction you get from the person on your team. Write me and let me know.