These things might happen in 2018 in the state's third or fourth largest city
OK, I'm back from some unused vacation days I neglected to take back when the weather was good. Now it's time for some offhand predictions about the Forest City in 2018. (Some might be predictions on a wider scale if I can't think of enough Rockfish-specific things.)
January: The campaign for the Republican nomination for Winnebago County sheriff heats up as Sheriff Gary Caruana threatens to cut his budget to zero for the remainder of the year if Kurt Ditzler wins the primary on March 20. Ditzler's campaign responds with a "Lock Him Up" social media post.
Also in January, developer Gary Gorman announces that his hotel project in the former Amerock factory building has been delayed because a ghost named "Ziock" apparently inhabits the place. He contracts with Ghostbusters to remove the ghost. Construction will be delayed until the Ziock ghost is removed.
February: Home rule advocates and opponents meet for a snowball fight on the State Street bridge. But there's no snow, so they all drive to TV stations to call for weathercasters to resign. Democratic legislators in Springfield introduce a bill to require Illinoisans to do something else ridiculous that will cost billions of dollars.
March: Home rule referendum results in a tie. The election board decides the outcome will be decided in a potato sack 5K race between Ted Biondo and Rudy Valdez. Results of the GOP sheriff's primary are delayed because there are more votes coming out of Durand than people living there.
April: Yet another gambling expansion bill is introduced in Springfield. Co-sponsor Sen. Dave Syverson, R-Syverson, predicts "This is the year," as he has done every year since 1994. In other news, the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano.
May: Gambling expansion bill fails again in Springfield. Sen. Syverson predicts everyone in Rockford will now move to the Beloit-Janesville metroplex.
June: Gov. Scott Walker OKs Ho-Chunk mega gambling casino, hotel, water park, theater and used car sales lot in Beloit. Dave Syverson moves to Wisconsin, announces he has taken a DNA test, discovered he is 29 percent Ho-Chunk and is inducted into the Ho-Chunk Nation.
Meanwhile in Springfield, legislators pass a budget containing another income tax increase. A surge of calls to moving van operators results. Gov. Bruce Rauner vetoes the bill but is overridden by the House and Senate. On the campaign trail, the governor shouts to a rally of supporters in DuQuoin, "I'm still not in charge. Vote for me anyway!"
July: Joe Marino announces that this year's fireworks will be bigger and better than any previous fireworks show. Donald J. Trump sees the story and tweets: "Fake news. My fireworks are better, bigly. They're Huge!"
August: Pharmaceutical companies that have been sued by cities, counties and states for overproducing opioids buy peace with plaintiffs, including Rockford and Winnebago County, by awarding them a substantial sum of money. The chief judge of the 17th Circuit of Illinois claims all the money for the court system. The county and city sue the chief judge.
September: Long-dormant volcano in North Korea erupts; Trump accuses Little Rocket Man of launching missiles at the U.S. Luckily, Chief of Staff John Kelly wrestles the nuclear suitcase away from the president and the world lives another day.
October: Rockford wins the coveted "Ain't We Neat?" prize for being one of the "Top 10 Cities Hosting Self-Congratulatory Annual Banquets All Year Long."
November: Local governments set tax levies at meetings attended by hundreds of people with pitchforks. J.B. Pritzker is elected governor, promising a Hyatt Hotel to every county in Illinois, to be paid for with a graduated income tax. This prompts another moving van shortage.
December: Stroll on State breaks another attendance record, says John Groh, head of the Rockford Area Convention & Visitors Bureau. "Our estimates indicate that 901,273 people attended Stroll on State. We heard reports of traffic backed up all the way to O'Hare."
"Gollee!" say gobsmacked reporters, "that there is a whole lotta people!"
Chuck Sweeny: 815-987-1366; csweeny@rrstar.com; @chucksweeny