Imagine it is 12 months in the future and European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker is delivering a Yuletide message to a very different Britain.

Don’t worry, what follows is entirely fictitious and could not possibly happen... could it? “Joyeux Noël, mes concitoyens européens!

This is a special Christmas message from me, Jean-Claude, your friend and acting Protector of the Realm at this critical time in your country’s history.

What a momentous year 2018 has been. I know that last month’s second referendum on the UK’s membership of the EU was a deeply traumatic experience for many of you.

Please rest assured, you have made the right decision by using your ‘meaningful vote’ to choose to stay in our wonderful union after all.

Let me raise a glass to you all! I understand many are sceptical about the narrow margin of the Remain victory.

Concerns of electoral malpractice have been raised in some quarters. Please understand that this is perfectly normal in such circumstances.

Here in Brussels we have much experience of ensuring the countries have a chance to think again when holding referendums to decide their EU future.

You have no need to worry, everything is now safely under our control. Instead of anger this is a time to rejoice.

You should be thankful to the courageous MPs and peers who defied the accusations of being “Remoaners” and “mutineers” to make it possible for the second vote to be held and Brexit to be cancelled.

Their clever tactics in the House of Lords amending Theresa May’s EU Withdrawal Bill last spring made sure you were given a second chance to think about your European destiny.

I understand what a worrying time this has been for so many Britons. Theresa May’s resignation on the morning the second referendum result was announced threatened to reduce your once proud nation to chaos.

Her government’s failure to plan for the possibility of staying in the EU was recklessly negligent.

In such a volatile environment the EU had no alternative but to step in to create an emergency government of national unity as we have done in the past.

You are fortunate that we have been able to call upon an administration of experienced technocrats Tony Blair, Nick Clegg, Sir John Major and Nicola Sturgeon to run the country for an interim period.

I can guarantee that democratic elections for a new administration will be organised as soon as Britain’s permanent and irrevocable status as an EU member state is concluded.

Please do not be alarmed at the emergency measures we have taken to ensure the country’s political stability.

A small number of subversive individuals who refuse to accept the second referendum, including hardened renegades Nigel Farage and Jacob-Rees Mogg, have had to be detained indefinitely for the public good.

I am grateful to our dear friend, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, for providing suitable accommodation for them in Colditz Castle.

Their trials as traitors to the European federalist dream will be held in due course. But let us not dwell on such unpleasantness. Instead we need to look forward.

In less than a week as New Year’s Day dawns, the UK will become a full member of the eurozone and the pound will be consigned to history.

Work will start soon on preparations for the UK at last to join the passport-check free Schengen Area.

And the European Union is delighted to accept your government’s sensible offer of turning the previously agreed 45billion euro ‘divorce fee’ into an enhanced annual contribution to the Brussels budget.

Now is the time for all of us to forget our petty national differences, pull together and press on with building the new European superstate.

Please join me in raising an extra-large glass of cognac to our glorious future together. Let us let Brexit bygones be bygones. Salut!”

PS: Don’t worry. This won’t really happen.

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Let's celebrate regaining our freedom

After the Christmas and New Year revelries are out of the way, someone in Whitehall will have to start thinking about organising a far bigger party.

Britain’s last full year of EU membership dawns next week. Preliminary planning for how the eventual departure will be celebrated across the country cannot be left for too long.

Ministers are currently focused on the 10 months of frenetic negotiation ahead aimed at finalising a Brexit deal by October.

They have little time or inclination to think about Brexit parties. But some MPs are concerned that, if work on celebrating Brexit does not begin soon, a big opportunity could be lost.

Many were dismayed earlier this month when the Royal Mail rejected proposals for a series of Brexit stamps.

They believe that promoting a feel-good factor as the exit date approaches could help foster a spirit of national unity and even boost the economy by encouraging consumer spending.

When the Commons returns after the Christmas break some MPs can be expected to press for a ministerial committee to begin considering ideas. Nigel Evans, the Leave-supporting MP for Ribble Valley, thought lighting Brexit beacons across the country on the night of Britain’s exit could be an appropriate celebration.

“Beacons are always a good way to send a message. I don’t suppose we would see many lit in Scotland but the North of England would be ablaze,” he said.

“We should certainly have a bank holiday on the day itself so the nation can come together and mark a new chapter.

“I would like to see all the EU flags outside official buildings in Britain and our embassies and high commissions around the world lowered and framed for posterity.

“The Government needs to set up a sub-committee to begin to look at how we can mark the occasion.”

Other suggestions are bound to be floated in the coming months. Perhaps Daily Express readers have their own ideas.

Although there is still some time to go, Brexiteers need to get thinking – otherwise Remainer killjoys will turn the historic moment into a wake.