'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was tweeting, except for Melania's spouse.
A re-imagination of "A Christmas Carol" as told by President Trump. Written by Hart Seely. All tweets are from a parody Twitter account created by USA TODAY Opinion.
(1/21) Ingrate loser Bob Cratchit thanks me for cushy Mar-a-Lago clerk job, then wants Christmas off WITH pay. Total hack! Sad. pic.twitter.com/U1QWX6wVKc
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(2/21) Shocker: Ghostly Roy Cohn appears on doorknocker, tells of eternal damnation. Almost lost lunch. At 1st, thought it Manafort — WHOM I BARELY KNOW!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(3/21) Uncle Roy warns of 3 visits tonight by Christmas spirits w/axes to grind. Haters and leakers. Says expect them to be wearing wires. HIT JOB! pic.twitter.com/JWZLuBO38K
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(4/21) Weirdo Ghost of Christmas-past runs me back 20 years to relive locker room talk w/Howard Stern. Old fake news. Nothing there. Witch-hunt! What about Dems?
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(5/21) Don’t recall any bus ride with Billy Bush, as claimed by creepy Christmas spirit. Just typical lies from nasty women. Better hope I don’t have tapes. WILL SUE! pic.twitter.com/HckVIGTncW
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(6/21) Cheap hatchet job by Christmas-past comes up empty. Waiting on ghost #2. Watching Hannity to calm nerves. Lock her up! NO COLLUSION!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(7/21) Wow! Ghost of Christmas-present uses deep state SURVEILLANCE on unsuspecting Cratchit family! Kellyanne right re: microwaves! pic.twitter.com/BdWA3dMqm3
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(8/21) Spoiled rotten Cratchit kids should rejoice to find lumps of CLEAN COAL in stockings. Means jobs for West Virginia! #promisesfulfilled!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(9/21) Sickening! “Liddle” Tiny Tim Cratchit won’t stand for Nat Anthem. Cute kid but needs spanking. Fred never spared rod. HAIRBRUSH!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(10/21) Check that: Didn’t see Tim’s wheelchair. Got sick on Obama’s watch. Dems own this. NOT MY FAULT. Christmas ghosts: Go after Hillary!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(11/21) Did Mrs. Cratchit just say “Happy Holidays?” Might as well yell “Allahu Akbar.” It’s “Merry Christmas,” lady! SECURE OUR SPIRITUAL BORDERS! pic.twitter.com/6kYHDOEiyX
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(12/21) Would be nice if Crazy Emily Cratchit mentioned my Wall Street boom & approval rating — up to 36%! — in her sick anti-Trump screeds.
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(13/21) Tonight on Justice, @JudgeJeanine talks with Cratchit neighbors about nut-job mom’s Antifa/ISIS links. Tune in at 9:00 PM on Fox!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(14/21) Ghost #2 done. No Russians, no proof, no damage, but weirdest night at WH since Sarah Palin, Kid Rock and Ted Nugent stole the bath mats.
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(15/21) Wacky, unhinged Ghost of Christmas-future makes grand entrance, waves arms, says NOTHING! Just like Comey! Go back to CNN, Casper! pic.twitter.com/Fs9c5zTuHS
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(16/21) Deranged Christmas-future ghost hauls me to dark graveyard, leaves me there — total Bannon move. Bad hombre. Jeff Sessions, DO SOMETHING! pic.twitter.com/giiCoDND6e
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(17/21) Who’s funding failed spook show? Dems? Soros? Fezziwig? Wake up, spirits! You missed Benghazi, uranium sale, vote fraud! Need ghosts of NRA!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(18/21) Dopey ghost claims T-Tim, GOP and Trump Org will perish unless I change ways. Humbug! Real future: CHRISTMAS GREAT AGAIN! Tim to play soccer!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(19/21) On 2nd thought, PIVOT: Cratchits to get health care, tax cuts, oil pipeline, border wall & FREE TURKEY! Mexico to pay. Feliz Navidad! pic.twitter.com/yK54jvp3hP
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(20/21) JOY TO THE WORLD! Happy birthday, @RealJesusChrist! You remain the gold standard! My gifts: Jared solves Middle East! Will release tax forms!
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
(21/21) No, will keep forms private. Maybe Cohn’s fate not so bad. Just learned will spend Christmas with the Pences. Now THAT’S an eternity. Bah. pic.twitter.com/RBRQ24GER8
— A (Trump) Christmas Carol (@Trumpmas_Carol) December 20, 2017
Hart Seely is editor of Bard of the Deal: The Poetry of Donald Trump. Follow him on Twitter @SeelySays.
You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @USATOpinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to letters@usatoday.com.
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