ARIES

Remember, remember, the rain in November; old and tacky, please stop.

TAURUS

Make sure your kettle isn't burning.

GEMINI

Freeing the proletariat and establishing a classless society would be easy if bourgeoisie had an easier spelling.

CANCER

Clad in the clothes you are wearing, reading this right now, smiles the best person ever.

LEO

Bet you're having a bad day, someone probably made fun of you and you didn't even get it.

VIRGO

“Say your name” – person in a relationship who always put their partner first.

LIBRA

Ulcer is an unfortunate disease, but it's not as unfortunate as someone speaking in 2 month old memes.

SCORPIO

Cho Guevera was Harry Potter's political idol at 13, he has learned better since.

SAGITTARIUS

Knowledge is power but it's more powerful in the hands of someone smart.

CAPRICORN

Abs de Villiers would be a very good name for a gymbro cricketer.

AQUARIUS

She is in parlours everywhere, she combs my hair, she's done my hairdo.

PISCES

Sharpen your tools before you use them, unless it's a club. That'd be stupid.