Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. What do you think of it? What else are you interested in? Let us know: thearts@nytimes.com.
‘You Tried to Terrorize New York and You Failed’
Stephen Colbert told the man who set off a pipe bomb in Manhattan on Monday, “You tried to terrorize New York and you failed.”
“We’re stronger than that. The worst you did is make the subways run late — and the M.T.A. does that just fine without your help.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Clearly relishing the opportunity, Mr. Colbert lit into a string of jokes about the resiliency of New York commuters — and the travails of having to travel on the subway every day.
“But I’ve got something to say to this guy. Seriously? You tried to terrorize New York subway commuters? Nice try. Nice try. New York commuters don’t even flinch when the subway breakdancers kick two inches away from their face. They have to battle rats for the seat — which, for the record, you should only give up if the rat is pregnant. Come on. Come on. You tried to sow chaos and confusion in the Port Authority bus station? That is the normal state of affairs at the Port Authority bus station. There’s a pretty good chance your little explosion may have scoured some of the grime off the wall, thanks. Now you’re going to jail for a long, long, long time. And all New Yorkers want to know is, does that mean your apartment is free? And is it rent-controlled?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Kimmel Brings His Son on the Air
After taking a week off to be with his son, Billy, who was undergoing heart surgery, Jimmy Kimmel came onstage on Monday with the baby in his arms. He introduced his son to an audience that has heard much about him in recent months, and quickly grew emotional.
“Daddy cries on TV, but Billy doesn’t — it’s unbelievable,” he said.
Mr. Kimmel took the opportunity to remind viewers that the Children’s Health Insurance Program is under threat. He asked people to contact their members of Congress and express support for the program.
Continue reading the main story“This is not a hypothetical. About two million CHIP kids have serious chronic conditions. I don’t know about you; I’ve had enough of this. I don’t know what could be more disgusting than putting a tax cut that mostly goes to rich people ahead of the lives of children. Why hasn’t CHIP been funded already? If these were potato chips they were taking away from us, we would be marching on Washington with pitchforks and spears right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
On the Eve of the Alabama Election
One day before Alabama’s special election for the Senate, many of the late-night hosts took their last swipes at Roy Moore, the Republican candidate who has been accused by various women of sexual misconduct with them when they were teenagers.
“The Alabama special election for Senate is tomorrow, and it’s currently too gross to call.” — SETH MEYERS
“President Trump is supporting the alleged child molester in this race, because of course he is. Although he wasn’t President Trump’s first choice for senator from Alabama. Then he found out Jared from Subway was still in jail.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“The Alabama Senate election is tomorrow, and Roy Moore’s supporters spent the weekend going door-to-door — just like Roy Moore has to do when he moves into a new neighborhood.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“At this point, there’s only one question I have: Do Republicans actually care about sexual assault? I mean as a problem, not an opportunity.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Putin Edition)
“Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, and HBO led with 12 nominations. Not to be outdone, Netflix led the field in allegations.” — SETH MEYERS
“According to a Gallup poll, 80 percent of Russians approve of Vladimir Putin’s leadership, while the other 20 percent are missing.” — SETH MEYERS
“Trump feels under attack but tries to stay positive about Mueller’s investigation into his campaign’s possible collusion with Russia, telling several people, ‘It’s life.’ Yes, it’s life. But you could plead that down to 30 years if you rat out Don Jr.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, referring to a New York Times report on President Trump’s private life in the White House
The Bits Worth Watching
“Would you take on a moose as a pet if it meant you never had to charge your cellphone again?”
Could’ve seen this one coming: Carpool Karaoke, Christmas edition.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Is Dwayne Johnson — a.k.a. The Rock — still considering a run for president? Maybe we’ll find out on Tuesday, when he sits down with Jimmy Kimmel.
Also, Check This Out
Jessica Chastain told our Carpetbagger columnist that she had wondered whether her career would suffer because of her decision to speak freely about sexual harassment and assault in Hollywood.
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