Ask Ann Cannon: I’m struggling with infertility and want to skip my sister-in-law’s baby shower, but my family thinks I’m being selfish

Dear Ann Cannon • I’m not able to have children, a fact that I’m still working hard to accept. I do find it difficult to go to baby showers, which is why I’ve told my pregnant sister-in-law that I won’t be attending the shower some friends are giving her and my brother. I told my sister-in-law that it would be too painful for me. Turns out she is really unhappy with me now. In fact, my whole family is upset with me because they think I’m being selfish. How should I have handled this?

— Hurt

Dear Hurt • Before I answer your question I want to mention two things. First, while dealing with infertility wasn’t my story, I’ve witnessed the pain and deep sense of loss felt by friends who’ve struggled with the issue. I’m glad you’ve created the space you need in order to grieve.

I also want to talk about your family’s response, which strikes me as … insensitive. I’m guessing that it’s innocently insensitive and that everyone means well. But still.

So what’s behind their reaction? How about this: Like most families, they want things to be just fine. They want family members to be happy and healthy and full of affection for one another. Or, at the very least, they want the outward appearance of those things, right? Your decision to bow out of the shower reminds everyone that things aren’t perfect on the family front.

Your sister-in-law’s reaction is probably even more complicated. At some level she may feel guilty that having a child has come more easily to her than it has to you. Nobody likes to feel guilty, so she could be irrationally angry with you for triggering her unwanted and, frankly, unnecessary guilt.

I’m curious. How did you break the news about your decision? Quietly or dramatically? That could have had some bearing on your family’s reaction, as well. I remember when a friend of mine impulsively stormed out of her brother’s wedding rehearsal dinner because she was upset that she hadn’t married yet. Her pain was real, but her public behavior created resentment in the family circle because she’d made the moment about her, not him.

So how should situations like this be handled? You could tell everyone you’re not attending because you’re going to Hawaii. And then go to Hawaii. Or you could be upfront and graciously say that while you’re truly happy for your sister-in-law, going to baby showers right now is difficult given your circumstances. Then send a lovely gift in absentia.

In fact, you can still send a lovely gift if you haven’t already.

Hang in there. You’ll be OK. And so will your family.

Dear Ann Cannon • I have always adored Christmas, but these days I’m kind of hating it. My mom, who also loved Christmas, died this time last year, so everything about the season is just making me really sad. The music, the lights — all that stuff she and I used to enjoy together. Any advice for getting through things?

— Blue Christmas

Dear Blue • People put a lot of pressure on the Christmas season to deliver. Happiness. Contentment. Authentic connection. Joy. Spiritual insight. Presents. More presents. So many presents. That’s a LOT of expectation for one holiday to handle. Some disappointment is inevitable, which is why I’ve come to believe that we should allow each Christmas to be whatever that Christmas wants to be — even if it wants to be, you know, blue.

My dad was a total Christmas lover who took delight in the tiny things that recalled his childhood Christmases. The scent of oranges, for example, always triggered happy memories of holidays spent with his parents and siblings. But Christmas, he once told me, always made him cry a little. The ghosts of his Christmases past were forever at his shoulder, making the holiday richly bittersweet for him.

My advice? Show consideration for others, of course, but if you need to be sad, then be sad. Meanwhile, do something that honors the memory of your mother. And know that the memory of this first Christmas without her will one day hold a unique and even tender place in your heart.

Do you have a question for Ann? Email her at askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.