I write this from my own experience. I am not an expert in the subject, just wanted to put my feelings to paper.

I have been living this nightmare for the past year and a half and I have good days and I have bad days. I have never disclosed my HIV status to anyone, positive or negative and I am not about to do so in this article.

I write this anonymously because I do not want my children to be ridiculed at school. Some might see this as a copout but I’d rather be called a coward than to put my children through what I experience daily. HIV shaming in SA is ugly, it’s brutal, judgmental and in no way encompasses the ubuntu that we so passionately portray to the outside world. It tramples on out most basic need and rights as enshrined in our constitution, the right to privacy.  

Even though I have not publicly disclosed my status, the rumour follows me around like a bad smell and there is no way of escaping it. I cannot engage with these people and I choose not to. They seem to be mightily proud of themselves for ‘’putting me in my place’’ so to speak. It does not help that I come off as aloof, but perception is reality, although not necessarily or always true. It also does not help that the majority of people who perpetuate my daily reality I see as ‘’not in my lane” as the twitterati will say, hence the decision not to engage.

I know it sounds judgmental as hell, and is a vicious cycle. You are probably thinking I should know better and you are right. I have also been judged by the educated, well read, well travelled individuals, although they are better at hiding it. I am judged by my colleagues, who I consider my peers. I am judged at church by people who call themselves Christians and are supposed to emulate Christ Jesus. Like HIV itself, the shaming has no colour, creed or class.  

I once saw a sticker at a government department which read: It’s not who you are, it’s what you do? Really? Maybe I’m just overly sensitive.

There are places that I try to avoid as a rule, or visit them as infrequently as possible: Clicks, Shoprite, Checkers, Pick n Pay, Spar, Game, Home Affairs, which seem to be the main culprits. I am aware that the training is inefficient if not non nonexistent at these supermarkets or places of business, but the most basic of customer service should be sufficient to at least treat customers with respect.

The same thing always happens, someone will call out to their colleagues to come help with an imaginary crisis, and they will congregate at the exit so that they are in a prime position to see this 'scarlet woman'. I am not privy to what is being said obviously, but often wonder if I am portrayed as someone who should be steered cleared of, for fear of contracting the deadly virus? Do they feel sorry for me? Do they even believe the rumours? This is problematic of course and the question begs to be asked, are they not using condoms?? Do they want or need as many people to know me? Why for Pete’s sake?  

I shudder to think how this story seems to follow me around, no matter where I am. It’s like there is a platform, a dark web if you like, where pictures are posted and updated daily. This is pure harassment and a violation of the worst kind. The right to privacy seems to be but a paragraph in our constitution as people seek to trend on social media.

Social media seems to be a blessing as well as a curse these days. We should be using these platforms to inform, educate, uplift and empower, not to shame. The majority of these people are women. What do they teach their children? Where most households in SA are headed by women? 

I am horrified to think what kind of children they are raising. We complain about the low morality in our country and blame everyone from the politicians to social media, but the reality is a lot closer to home. Speaking of social media, what do people do on their smart phones? Once in a while please Google HIV stigma and HIV shaming and be informed, knowledge is power and bigotry so outdated. I do not owe anybody an explanation, and if you had the balls to ask instead of snickering and giggling, I would maybe sit down and tell you my story.

I admire people who disclose their status but I will not be held to ransom in order to be accepted. I am not an animal in a zoo to be gawked at.  I am a human being, with feelings and blood in my veins. I am a mother, a sister, an aunt and a leader in my community. I do not want no need your pity.

I am what I am because of the choices I made and am at a stage in my life where regret or guilt is counterproductive. I look forward to the future with hope and optimism. Let me do so in peace. #StopHIVshaming. Let’s see if that will trend for a while.

Yours truly

A fellow South Africa