Here's what the intrepid fresher texted his new boss, "Al." Don't worry, we'll provide a translation:
"Yo al, Ino its the first shift Tmro but I've back in halls with two birds from digi & wont make it in for training at 10. You look like a top shagger yorself mate so I hope you understand the situation. If not then thanks for the chance but a mans got to do what a mans got to do." He signed off at 3:37 a.m. with "Ross. X"
To translate a bit here: Ross is saying that he won't be able to make his 10 a.m. training shift on because he's brought two young women back to his dorm room—"halls" is slang for residence halls—from "digi," or Digital, another Newcastle club popular with uni students.
Filthy's, of course, is a non-traditional workplace. The bar decided to post Ross's forthcoming message on Facebook, and let their fans decide the young fresher's fate.
"Employing freshers is great fun until they're texting at 3 a.m.," the bar's official page wrote with a screenshot of Ross's message. "We will take a public vote on the action we should take against Ross." The options were "sack him," "forward the screenshot to his mum," and "have him buy his colleagues lunch and make Ross write an essay on why you shouldn't describe yourself as a 'top shagger' to your employer regardless of their appearance."
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The whole thing sounded too ridiculous to be true, so Men's Health got in touch with Filthy's to set the record straight. Stephen, the bar's marketing manager, said in a Facebook message that Ross is real—and that as punishment for what he did, he had to buy sandwiches for the staff.
"Ross is alive and well and still with us," Stephen wrote. "We certainly didn't send the message to his Mum and just wanted him to sweat a little for his mischief."
We had to press a little more—could Stephen assure us this wasn't some elaborate PR stunt?
"Ross says never doubt a top shagger, only a standard shagger would even ask that—his words not mine," Stephen replied. (If you also want to be a "top shagger," here's the non-creepy guide to negotiating a threesome.)
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So what would you do if you found yourself in the same position as Ross? Once again, we asked you. Men's Health polled nearly 4,000 Twitter users on what they'd do if they had to get to their first day of work—but the opportunity for a threesome arose. Twenty-five percent said they'd call off the threesome and go to work, 41 percent said they'd make up an excuse to their boss, and 34 percent were brave souls who said they'd straight up tell their boss about the threesome.
You're about to start your first day of work when you get the chance to have a threesome. What do you do?
— Men's Health Mag (@MensHealthMag) October 11, 2017
And hey, if you do get the chance to have a threesome anytime soon, make sure to follow these rules for a good threesome. And if you need some tips for how to pleasure a woman, be sure to check out our online course.