The Guysexual’s Guide To Handling Heartbreak
It’s over.
You’ve cut the cords, the phone calls and your heartstrings. You’ve had those two tubs of ice cream at once. You’ve not showered for days. You’ve blamed everyone from your mother and your best friend to that boy who sat behind you in seventh grade. You’ve heard (or wept to) Taylor Swift’s entire playlist on loop.
Or maybe, you are Taylor Swift.
See, dealing with a break up is only half the battle won, because getting over heartbreak is where you need to get your troops out (unless you are TS, in which case you’ll just write another hit song about it) — it’s time to bring out the Kleenex, boys and girls, because this is going to be a long one.
Let me tell you this.
Mending a broken heart is worse than trying to put together a torn gift voucher to Ralph Lauren (and it’s even worse when you’ve lost your heart to ghosting). While glue can be therapeutic, you’ll need time, and space, and multiple bottles of self-belief (with even more bottles of wine) to walk out of your shell.
But hey, listen.
While it might seem tough, it’s not impossible. What do you do to soften the blow of a breakup?
Read me (no pun intended).
Now heal away with this extremely helpful handle-your-heartbreak bucket list and fall in love with yourself (and someone else, hopefully) sooner than you can drunk dial your ex on a lonely Tuesday night:
1. Get a haircut
Deal with the split and the split ends with a quick makeover; one that probably doesn’t cost as much as a wardrobe do-over.
2. Take a weekend trip
You don’t need to go to Corsica or Rio to find yourself. Head off to the nearest beach and drown your worries in draught beer.
3. Take up a sport
Any sport. Preferably one that involves balls, so that you imagine your ex’s face every time you hit it with your racquet.
4. Clean up your house
Remove all the letters, clothes, toothbrushes, and love notes he left behind. Donate. Cleanse. Repeat till happy.
5. Find a new favourite restaurant
Remember sharing Maki rolls and miso soup at your favourite Sushi bar? Feeding him wasabi peanuts and grinning like idiots over sake shots every Saturday night? You don’t need to anymore. It’s time to make new memories with a new menu card.
6. Find a new favourite wine
Because you’ll need a fresh crate every weekend.
7. Read the biggest book you can find
That’ll save you a lot of time thinking about him.
8. Spend a day in bed
Watch as many Internet fail videos as you can, and make sure you do so in your favourite pyjamas.
9. Try out a poetry class
Channel all your angst into a class. Any class. Try something that interests you. Maybe try poetry. Although your chances of turning into Pablo Neruda overnight are very low, you’ll have something to laugh over next year — preferably over wine, with a new squeeze.
10. Cook up a fancy meal for one
You’ll need to get used to those.
11. Get all your STD tests done
If you are going to start over a clean slate, you better be clean.
12. Buy yourself a gift
And post it to your home address. Act surprised when you receive it. Repeat till you believe.
13. Call your mom
But make sure she’s not in one of her patronising moods.
14. Buy healthier food at the market
Avocadoes are magical. So are ‘multigrain buns-are-better-than-your-man-buns’.
15. Make a playlist.
And fill it up with all the songs that your ex hated — let that be a constant reminder to not go back.
16. Join a gym
If you are going to be working up a sweat every time you think about your break up, you might as well burn calories while you’re at it.
17. Start running
Learn to run fast, not run away from your problems.
18. Write out an email to the ex
Pour your heart out, talk about all the good things and the bad things. Talk about the one time he puked over your shoes after his 30th birthday, and how he got you cupcakes to make up the day after. Vent out your anger. Laugh at your in-jokes. Tell him everything you ever wanted to say; cry about it after, and just when you are about to hit ‘Send’, delete it.
19. Read a book or a blog about getting back in the game
Just like this one.
20. Get back on Grindr
But only when you are ready.
Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua