The Guysexual’s Guide To Finding The Perfect Profile Name On Grindr
Getting started?
You’ve got your best picture up on your profile — it’s at the gym, or the beach or has you sipping cocktails against the backdrop of the Statue of Liberty. Maybe you are even showing your washboard abs. Maybe you are smiling. Maybe you are smiling, as you show your washboard abs (side note: in which case, can I have your number, please?)
It’s still not working?
That’s right. You are getting all the unsolicited d*ck pics in the world, but no genuine hellos come your way (unless you want your hellos flapping away in your faces). I’ll tell you something. Sometimes choosing an interesting, well thought of name is the only thing that comes between getting a ping or a pass over — because pretty pictures of your dimples just don’t cut it anymore, when all you need is a nice boy to go have a beer with.
What do you do then?
It’s easy peasy. You start right from scratch. Now hurry over and use this guide to find yourself an appropriate online dating handle, because your six-pack clearly isn’t doing it for you:
1. How about your real name?
The obvious thing to do when you are trying to come up with your Grindr handle is to use your actual name — but it’s easier said than done, because then we’d have half a dozen torsos who are all called Karan or Matthew or Tony. What’s the next best thing? You add a number or two — but then, before you know it, you are mere characters away from using your first ever email address. Keep it simple, keep it easy.
As you wipe off those quick tears of nostalgia, and pat yourself on your back (because Raj3188 has a nice ring to it) — just make sure the numbers aren’t the same as your ATM pin.
Cashing out emotions might be fine, but you don’t want someone to cash out your savings account.
2. It’s all about the location, location, location?
Too lazy to tell someone where you stay?
It’s simple — squeeze in your location into the twenty-five characters that make up your handle, and you’ll have more than one express delivery coming your way tonight. In all probability, this way you’ll also relate to being the friendly neighborhood GPS tracker — because with a name like BandraBoy or ConnaughtPlace_Cutie, you’ll only get asked for directions to your bachelor pad every other day.
3. So you want to be a Pop Culture nerd?
If you want your date to think you are the charming, quick-witted fox that you are obviously lying about being, it’s better to pull out a long forgotten reference from a book or a movie.
Word of advice: make sure it’s original and hasn’t been thought of before, because you’ll find a dozen other ReginaGeorge69’s out there who are looking for the same thing you are.
Someone to share their ‘Kälteen bars’ with.
At the same time, you don’t need to have the power of deduction to understand that a name as witty as SherlockHomos will only be appreciated by a select few, unless you are prepared for questions like ‘Are you a homo?’ or something even more succinct, like ‘I have the key for your lock. It’s my d*ck.’
PS: While every pop culture nerd craves another, do know that if a guy calls himself TheExcalibur and doesn’t get your funny King Arthur joke, it’s probably a good idea to hit the block button instead of trying to get him to join you at your round table.
4. Let’s talk about sex (or not)?
While this is the easiest way to get noticed, it’s also the story of every other account on Grindr — any reference to your size, sexual preference or fetish, and you are a guaranteed 30 minutes (15, if it’s the middle of the night) away from playing out your dirtiest fantasy with the naughty hottie from the neighborhood.
Whether you are HolePlugger, HighFun or Masc_for_Masc, your inbox is going to be full of messages that will get you your fair share of action, but remember, if you expect to find your future soul mate with a handle like Bottom4u, you are probably looking in the wrong place to begin with.
Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua